I'm not even sure how to title this blog…..trying to be transparent is the best way I can describe this.
I know I haven't been able to really blog a lot. Things have been so crazy here as I'm wrapping up my last year of college at Meredith. It's unreal to me that I'm at that point in my life. .I'm not sure how to feel.
Right now I should be finishing studying for my exams, but honestly. . I can't do it because too much is going on in my head.
I've been known to not really talk about things with other people if I'm going through something. I love listening to other people and encouraging them, but I seem to always repress what's in my head and heart because I figure I am blessed in so many areas how could I sit and talk about something negative?! I usually just turn on some music and forget about it. . .
But I'm emotionally overflowing and I've been told that journaling/blogging is a good way of getting stuff out.. .and I figure I'll be needing to do this a lot while I'm gone so. . I guess I'll try it.
So basically I've come to the conclusion that. .I will not be getting an emotional break for the next year of my life. The realization of this is stressful for me because the only emotions I really like to show are happy ones and exciting ones, other than that I keep things to myself or only go to one or two people to talk. I just don't know where to start.
First off these are my last 3 days of school. Ever. Like this Friday I will be done with college. What the heck? School is all I've known since I was 5 years old. What am I supposed to do!? Be a grown up??? Oh great. I'm studying (well I was) for my last exams and that takes enough energy as is. But then the idea/feeling of being done with college…that's enough to get anyone emotional.
I just had a meeting today passing down my responsibilities of being in charge of Crusade to a group of 4 amazing girls who I know are going to do an awesome job, but the thought of leaving Cru and leaving my Bible Study girls. . .good thing I'm a pro at holding back tears.
Next week I graduate and walk across the stage. I will NOT be able to hold back tears then. That's a given. That's such a huge step. And I'll be doing it with my best friends and with my family there supporting me. Cue the waterworks.
Then. . . the hard part. I'm a VERY relational person. I value my friendships and relationships above everything. I have a hard time letting go. A couple days after graduation I'll have to move out and go back home. Saying goodbye to everyone, but especially my best friends Shannon, Meredith, Alex, and Mary Ashlyn. . . that's going to kill me. Haha I have done a REALLY good job at hiding the fact of how much I'll really miss them. Whenever they talk about it I brush it off and say "Oh yall will be fine. It's not a big deal. But no. It is a really big deal for me. I wouldn't have made it through college without them and none of them have ANY idea how much they mean to me. They're truly like sisters to me. I would do ANYTHING for them.
And recently I've gotten to know some people and it's been SO fun making new friendships and making new memories it's making it really hard for me to leave. I get really sad when I think about saying goodbye to these people!!!! I'm thankful for the time I have with them I'm not going to take it for granted.
The weekend after graduation is training camp. I'll go ahead and say it. Honestly. I'm freaking out. I'm nervous. Of course I'm so so excited to meet everyone and have this whole World Race thing actually FEEL real. But. I'll also say that I have spoken with a lot of other racers about how AWESOME the World Race is and they encourage me to do it, but also prepare me adn letting me know that it's going to be different from the background I come from. I come from a Baptist background and I know there are some things that I am going to see and hear that I've never experienced before. I'm not sure how I'll react. I know I won't understand. I know I could potentially be the odd one out and struggle with it, but. . .I know that this is going to be something that really brings me closer to God and learn to cling on to His Word. For me the World Race is first and foremost about the people of the countries. My desire is to bring them Christ and bring them the gospel. That's why I'm going. That is what my passion is.
I've been trying to prepare my heart for this journey. Becuase I know it's going to most likely be the greatest and most difficult 11 months of my life. I know I need it. I am ready to learn more about God and grow in Him.
IMMEDIATELY after training camp I'm heading to New Orleans for week. I really can't even tell you how excited I am about this. New Orleans holds a special place in my heart that NOTHING could ever take its place. I am SO excited to see my friends and my camp kids again!!!!! BUT I'll be JUST getting done with camp. I'm going to be exahuasted. Emotionally. Physically. Spirutally. Then I'll be going right into camp, seeing everyone, working, training the older kids, and then. . .after 8 days. . I'll be saying goodbyes. . .AGAIN. Draining. Especailly because the people there are so important to me. I'm going to be a wreck.
Then the weekend after camp I'm having a yard sale/fund raiser. It's going to be a lot the plan and get ready for. I'm very excited about it though because I have a TON of stuff to get rid of. I think there will be a good turn out and I'll get a lot of support through that. But it's a lot to jump into immediately following the stuff I've already mentioned.
Then the rest of that month will be spent working a little bit to earn some spending money. Spending time with friends and family. The weekend following my yard sale is my 22nd birthday and I REALLY want to do something with all my friends, HighPoint/Raleigh, to make sure I'm spending AS MUCH time with them as I can.
Then I'm sure the weekend after that I'll be having some type of going away party that I'll want everyone to be at too. . . . There will be a lot of goodbyes at that one……not ready for that. at all.
AND THEN
JULY COMES
And it's time. Time to leave. And today. .when I thought about this.. . .I'll admit it. I cried.I sat and cried with 2 of my rommates. I realized I'm saying goodbye to everything and everyone. It's so many emotions at one time. And I don't have time to process it all and to really take it all in. It's a lot for one person!! and then to go right into the World Race which I can only imagine my emotions most likely won't level out in those 11 months either.
I'm just not forseeing that break in the next 8 weeks. I'm a pretty tough person, but this is going to be difficult.
If it weren't for my God and my friends/family. . . I really just don't know how it would be possible.
I'm REALLY in the need of prayers. For all of these things. I need strength. I'm resting in the fact that the JOY of the Lord is my strength!!
I am going to do my BEST to spend these next 8 weeks focusing on the JOYOUS moments I'll have with everyone and be thankful for the time I have.
How lucky am I? It wouldn't be so hard if these people weren't so great. And it makes it that much more exciting to think about returning home to them 🙂
