This month I am living at an orphanage in the Philippines.
That means I live in the same place that ministry happens.
It seems unique and fun, but I’m not living in my own room at the orphanage. My team and I live in the living room of the girls’ side of the home, so we have pretty much no privacy. And all of our stuff has to stay locked away in a storage room so it doesn’t get stolen.
But that’s not all. Living in the living room of my ministry site means when the children wake up at 5:30 a.m., I wake up at 5:30 a.m. to the sounds of “TITA! TITA!” from the stairs. (Tita means big sister).
It means that if I’m at the children’s home to eat, or shower, or go online – there are children everywhere all the time vying for my attention. And what makes it harder is that these are children who have been abandoned and who need me to be there for them more than most kids. And what makes it even more difficult is that I really WANT to be there for them 24/7, but I know that’s not healthy.
I love the Philippines, and I love these kids. But honestly, our living situation makes it really hard to not give up. I find myself desperate for a break and needing rest way more often normal.
But even in the midst of the constant chaos, the Lord has been speaking to me very clearly about what He’s teaching me.
It’s a simple, but profoundly life changing reminder:
Seek first. Be last.
This is based off of two scriptures that God is bringing to life for me, even though I’ve read them a million times:
But seek first the kingdom of God and His rigteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
Matthew 6:33
But many who are first will be last, and the last first.
Mark 10:31
For the first four months, God has been reminding me time and time again that before I serve anyone on my team or do ministry of any kind, my only real responsibility is to seek Him – to hear from Him, to talk to Him, to worship Him, and to read His Word.
But now I believe God is expanding that lesson and moving me into a season of also learning what it truly looks like to be the very last. And He’s using situations like changing the sheets of every toddler who wet the bed until I completely forgot that I even had to pee or putting eating on hold until I’ve fed every baby their bottle.
But it’s not just with the kids; it’s being last among my team too. This month it’s looked like pressing on in ministry because I know my team mates are working through their own things and sometimes need rest even more than I do.
Learning to be last is bringing me to a very humble place, and it’s bringing me to deeper levels of trust with the Lord.
In that, God has been speaking to me about this season, and I want to share a little bit of what He’s been saying to me with you. I pray that it encourages you and helps you to seek Him and put yourself last even when it’s very difficult to do so.
Here’s what He’s been showing me – straight from my journal:
“When you feel like all of you is spent, and you aren’t getting the needs you think you need for yourself, will you continue to trust that it’s not about you? I’m in control for my glory. I’m taking care of you. Let me sustain you.”
“Your circumstances, namely your living situation, do not define your joy and don’t get to change your attitude.”
“This month is an opportunity for you to experience my peace that passes understanding.”
“Submit even when it means you’re uncomfortable.”
“Do people with unmet needs still trust Jesus? We’re asking them to every day. The people around us all have needs – even needs like food and shelter – that aren’t adequately met. If my need for rest, alone time, etc., doesn’t get met, can I still trust that God is control and sees the larger picture?”
I answered yes to that last question. I can trust that putting myself last and sometimes putting my needs on hold in order to love well can accomplish more in God’s Kingdom than I will ever see. God knows what He’s doing. And when He put it in His Word to seek Him first and put ourselves last, He knew what He was doing.
To seek is the only way to really find. To be last really is to choose greatness. And I’m finding that although it’s a painful path, I don’t want to do life any other way.
