Below is my testimony. It is very long, I know, but it's my life. If you care to read it or have time to read it I hope it encourages you:
I was blessed to be born and raised into a loving Christian home. I have 2 parents who love and fear God and who raised me and my 3 other siblings in the ways of the Lord; we basically grew up in church. My childhood was pretty normal. I had a very small group of friends and I was an average student. I was also pretty shy around people.
Going into middle school I was definitely a “Christian” but I did not have a relationship with Jesus. I knew who He was but I did not know him personally and I was not intimate with God. These are the years that have effected me until just recently.
Sometime during my middle school years I began watching pornography. I would go to my friends house to “study” and we would end up watching porn. This was the worst decision of my life. This is when Satan began to pull me in and had a hold on my mind. I would wake up many nights crying and in terror from nightmares of images that were in my head. I did not tell anyone because what I was doing was “bad“. This is probably also when I started to compare myself to others and the feeling of low self-esteem snuck in.
High School came and I stopped hanging out with that friend. I prayed to God and told Him that I did not want to watch porn anymore and asked him to forgive me. Because Satan poured lies of guilt and shame into my head I did not think that God had forgiven me. I also continued to have nightmares that I asked God to take away. Maybe towards the end of my high school years is when the nightmares stopped and I finally allowed myself to believe that God had forgiven me. However, I still felt shame about what I had done and have not told anyone.
My battle with low self-esteem increased even more in high school. I hated everything about my self. I hated how I looked and I hated my personality. I compared myself to every “pretty” girl that I saw; whether in real life or on TV. I walked around in baggy shirts and clothes to cover my “fat” body. I made a long list of things I would change if I could get plastic surgery. It didn’t help that I have 2 sisters, one older and one younger, that are absolutely gorgeous and they were both skinnier than I was. I always felt like the ugly duckling. There were a few times during high school years that I made myself throw up, but my hate for throwing up was stronger than the hate I had for myself, so that stopped.
And as all this is going on, I walked around as the good, innocent, sweet, Christian girl that never did anything wrong. I prayed once in a while, never read my bible though. I forgot to mention that growing up, I had in my head that if I did bad things I would go to hell (I was also terrified of the end times and of the rapture). That is what I focused on. And so in high school I did not do any of the “big” sins. I never cursed, never drank, never smoked, never did drugs, never had sex, never got into fights, etc. I wanted to make sure that I was getting into Heaven. At this time, my older sister was not walking with the Lord. She was doing her thing and getting involved in the wrong things; so were some of my other friends. So I told myself that I would not be like any of them. That I would not give into peer pressure. I also became self-righteous thinking I was better than all of them. Which was not true at all because I was no better than any of them. I was hiding all of my crap behind an iron wall that I had put up so that no one would find out the truth about me.
My college years were somewhat better. I still had the “Good Christian Girl” status, but I continued struggling with low self-esteem. Now that I was at an age of being able to date I still did not want to. I had no desire for relationships whatsoever. More because my mind just wasn’t on that and I wanted to focus on school. Also, in the back of my mind, there were lies that told me that I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough for any guy anyway. My standards are very high when it comes to guys (Basically, you have to be Jesus; or come as close as us humans can get to being like Jesus). So I thought that if I ever found a really great guy who met all of my standards I would want someone even better (prettier) for them than I was. This was my mentality. Also seeing my friends and sister in relationships kept me far away from dating as well. Way to much drama and heartache. I loved being single.
I was definitely a loner in college; very quiet, went to class, came back home, shy, had acquaintances but no friends in school. I have 3 really close friends that I have been friends with since childhood and still am. Two years into school I transferred to a different college and started going part time in the evenings because I started working. My nephew was also born during these years which was a huge blessing. I love this boy so much, as if he was my own son.
At my college, I began attending a bible study. These group of students would get together once a week in the cafeteria for about an hour and discuss scriptures in the bible. I believe that this is when my walk with God officially began. I began reading my bible more and wanting to learn more about Jesus. The group of students all came from various places around the states. They had left everything behind to “go and make disciples“. I thought they were great. My mother was praying about this group and felt like the Holy Spirit was telling her that something wasn’t right. After more praying and research online, she found out that this group I joined was in fact a cult. I don’t know many of the details about them but I know that they focused on making disciples, which is what Jesus calls us to do, however they focused on numbers. How many people they could bring to Christ and disciple. And how many people they could get baptized. They had to meet a certain quota by the end of the week or month or something like that. There were other stuff to but I just don’t remember. It was very hard for me to accept that this was the truth, but in the end I decided to listen to my mother and decided not to go anymore. After that decision, I never saw any of them again; not in the cafeteria and not even around the campus. Its like they disappeared. Although what I got into was not of God, it still lead me to seek more of Him. And so my pursuit of Him began.
I am an active member of the church that I grew up in and love everyone there, however I felt like I needed more. I needed more food for my soul. I needed a fresh revelation. I started visiting my friends church often. Their church had a youth and young adult service every Friday. I tried to go to the young adult service every Friday. I loved everything about it. The pastor gave his message in a way that was understandable and that young adults could relate to. It was also just encouraging seeing tons of young people on fire for God. I definitely began growing in my walk with Christ and I started to fall in love with Jesus even more. My worship even changed. Instead of just singing along with a song because that’s what you do, I had a desire to worship God and to connect with Him. I was less ashamed and more focused on Jesus.
In May of 2012, the church that I was visiting held a 3 day conference for youth and young adults. I went with a small group of young adults and our leaders from my own church. During this time, there was one particular session that changed my life. I don’t quite remember what it was about but the end result was of me being freed from low self-esteem. I just asked God to heal me. To let me see myself as He sees me. I wanted to love myself and know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And so God answered my prayers. I went home that night, looked in the mirror and told myself that I was beautiful, that I was God’s princess and that I was worthy. I have been walking in that freedom ever since. There are times when lies sneak in my head, but then I focus on what Jesus did and how He saved me. I like the quote “We are not sick people trying to get whole, we are whole people shaking off sickness”. I am whole, but I still have to shake stuff off every once in a while.
Now I am on this journey called The World Race, going into month 5 of my 11 month trip, and it would take a book to explain in detail what God has been doing to me here. I will try to sum it up:
I definitely know that I will never fully grasp Gods love for me, but I feel like I have somewhat understood how much God loves me. It has become clear to me that nothing I do matters that will make Him love me any more or any less, that I don’t have to earn His love, and that not having to strive to be the “Good Perfect Christian Girl” is a relieve. He loves me for who I am, not what I’ve done, but who I will become in Him.
I have been so hungry for more of God and everything that comes with walking with Him and having intimacy with Him. Since starting the race, I have been hearing God speak to me. The Holy Spirit is alive in me and speaks through me. When God gives me a word for someone He has given me the boldness to share it with them. God has also given me visions which I share with people as well.
I came on this race really not knowing who I am. I can say that God is showing me who He says I am. And day by day I am slowly figuring out who God has called me to be and am learning new things about myself.
Just last month God freed me from another stronghold in my life that I didn’t even realize was a stronghold. I was telling some of the girls on my team how I felt about guys and how I felt around guys. I told them that for some reason I always feel nervous around them or just have a fear about them. I can never feel comfortable around guys. I couldn’t figure out why. They asked if this could connect to me watching pornography when I was younger. I believe that it is connected to that. Images I have seen of men have effected my view of men and of what I think they’re thinking. I was able to hide those feelings behind my iron wall that I put up. I also told them about my fear of sex. In my mind, sex was a scary thing and I didn’t want any part of it. That was even a fear I had of getting married one day and having to be intimate with someone. The girls prayed for me and prayed for freedom of my fear of men and of my fear of sex. I really feel like God has healed my mind from all of it. And I don’t have fears of marriage anymore as well. God is so funny the way He works. He put me on an all girls team to work out my issues. And now I am on a team with two guys and I definitely love them like brothers and feel comfortable to just be myself around them.
God has also answered a prayer of mine that I have been praying for a very long time. My prayer was that God would break my heart for what breaks His and that He would give me compassion for people. I wrote a blog about that happing month 3 in Swaziland titled “Brokenness Hurts“. He broke my heart for the orphans there and for the people there. It is not a fun feeling to have but it really does show me how much God loves people and How much I need to love them.
I have also learned about being obedient to God and doing what He tells you to do no matter how you feel. I had to preach month 3 in Swaziland, as most of you know from my blog, and preaching is something I have never wanted to do. I was terrified to preach but I really felt like God was telling me I had to. So I pushed through my fear and did it. And in my obedience to God, He answered my prayer.
The most recent and exciting thing in my life happened last month in China. My team went to a “home group” with other Christians and well long story short, I received the gift of tongues along with 5 others in my team. We have read many scriptures about it and heard others understanding about it, but we sometimes have questions still. All I know is that I want more of God. And if that means speaking in tongues or having the gift of prophecy or healing people, I want it all. I want all of Him. I’m so excited for a deeper intimacy with Him. And I can’t wait for the next 6 months of the race and for the rest of my life to experience more of Jesus and become more and more like Him.
My prayer is that my testimony would help others who may be going through any similar circumstances. That they can see and know that God is a God of healing, of forgiveness, of grace and of love. In China, I shared my testimony with a Chinese man that my team had been pouring into for a few weeks. He always told us that he was ashamed of things he did in his past and that he didn’t think God could forgive him. After I shared my testimony with him he finally opened up and shared what he had done. I know that was hard for him because it was hard for me to share with my team at the beginning of my race what I had done. We told him that your testimony is not for yourself but for someone else.
I am a new creation in Christ Jesus. I am no longer ashamed of my past because I am not that person anymore. And my past can help someone else. I thank Jesus for his saving grace and His love for me.
