After Cierra left I feel like something changed. Maybe it was the realization that tomorrow is not guaranteed and the only time you know you have to speak with someone is in the moment they are standing before you. When she left and we started ministry in Belfast things were different, and at least for myself I couldn’t hold back anymore. I jumped into our little family sink or swim and I feel like over the last month walls have shattered and we have grown close enough to make the idea of facing Africa together exciting but not scary because we would have each other and with that knew we would get through it. This trip, while about learning to live in community is not about being able to face anything together, it is about being able to face and work through anything with the Lord.
It was Emily who noticed something was off with Syd, and after a little prodding she told us about the upcoming changes, after the awakening she would no longer be our team leader and the teams would be changed, she couldn’t tell us how big the changes would be or who the new leaders would be. There were a few days of acting out, freaking out, crying and repressed anger, but all of those things eventually dissolved into hugs and random comfort seeking heads on shoulders.
Our time together is almost up, we have a few days left. Every inch of me wants to withdraw and check out from the situation because it is guaranteed hurt, and at the same time I want to fight to keep my new family intact though I know nothing in my power could do it. I am telling myself it is for the best, ultimately I trust God’s decision, He placed me with them so He will place me in the right place this time too, but that doesn’t mean I like it. I kinda feel robbed a little bit, if I’m honest. I was excited to have an adventure with my new family, I was starting to feel known, accepted and free to be whoever it is I am and now that’s over. I will get new people and by the end of whatever time we have I will probably love them too but in this moment I don’t want to love them because they will be stolen. Its such a strange balance between being separate and living in community, I don’t understand it yet, I was too individual, now I’m too invested in my team, and it just makes me want to be a lone wolf. I’m still processing I guess, maybe more than I thought. My heart hurts but I guess that’s what its suppose to feel like when they drop the hammer.
