People on the Race constantly encourage me to be more vulnerable, be more open.
What does that even look like?
I don’t know, but I am committed. I am learning to initiate conversations about feelings and not just thoughts. I am learning to stop repressing memories and emotions. I am learning to not just be a friend, but let others to be a friend to me. And I am learning to cry.
I am learning not to rationalize my feelings, but let them wash over me in a healthy manner and feel my humanity. I am learning to let God be God and allow myself to be human—broken, weary, and frail.
Though I fail daily, I am ok because grace abounds.
So in the name of vulnerability, I will share a bit of my journal entry from the night before my birthday.
“I am not exactly dealing well with Lorraine* and Brody* being horrible with communication and then the disappointment of not being able to hang with Marg* coupled with the realization that this life is totally out of my control and I can’t deal. Friendships and family relations are absolutely necessary but painful and then my frikkin soul needs to lay on the altar somewhere and be restored and renewed but instead it feels starved and depleted.
I cry and try to deal with stuff later. I want to scream and haven’t done that since being on the Race. I often feel trapped in my own skin and feel like I’m going crazy and feel like I’m losing myself.
I don’t actually give a crap that its my birthday. I’m not with my family and that’s what birthdays are for and I don’t want to care about my birthday or I’ll be disappointed.
I feel like a lot of people are struggling and not dealing well with the idle time either but I don’t even feel like I have any Jesus to offer them. I got some subway napkins that they can cry into and that’s about it.”
Yes, my thoughts are scattered and my emotions are often raw, but that is me.
I am a missionary and people congratulate and encourage me for doing such a great work for the Lord, but I hesitate to receive it because I feel like people have this fairytale version of me and of missionary life.
This month I went on prayer walks, taught English, went to the zoo, was kicked out of a mosque, bitten by a nine-year old, drank a smoothie with a bird’s nest in it, led Bible studies, used a squatty potty, traveled to three cities, went to a waterpark, and got closer to my team and it was great.
But I am a hot mess on the regular and need God just as badly as the people that I have been send to minister to. And I am learning that truly God makes beautiful things out of our brokenness, so I gladly offer it up. Do what you do Lord and make beautiful things out of us.
P.S. I ended up having a great birthday thanks to my squad and my team and the starred names have all been changed.
I need about $3,000 to be fully funded. As this year comes to a close, I would like to be fully funded, so please join me on this journey through your prayers and financial support. Thank you so much! Love you!
Photo blog is coming!!
