Does saying goodbye ever get easier?
I lead a life where I have to say goodbye often.
Starting with a study abroad trip to Panama sophomore year of college, I've had to learn the hard lesson that even good experiences and decisions will cost you. You will always have to sacrifice. Every decision has a consequence. Most of the time the word consequence is used in a negative manner, but consequences are not always bad. A consequence of investing wisely is being able to relax in your latter years, for example. Well, in my case, a consequence of going on this adventure with my lover, my friend, my Lord is that I am going to miss a year in the lives of my friends and family.
It means that I can wave my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, my sister's graduation, my sibling's birthday, friends' pregnancies and weddings goodbye. My best friend just got married and I'm going to miss most of Year One and the list of woes goes on. Great decisions still cost you greatly. For great reward, there is still great sacrifice, but yes it is worth it.
However, the pain in my heart is a lot sometimes and I think it'd just be easier if someone would just kick me in the face. Maybe then it would divert my attention and give a chance to practice out my prayers for healing 🙂 But, on a serious note, goodbyes, see ya laters, catch you on the flipsides all stink.
How can one heart contain so much sadness and yet so much joy?
I have to ponder this because I am asked by people on a daily basis, "Are you getting excited?" and the truth is, I am excited beyond the capacity of my human body. I explode with joy. My heart has expanded with so much love from just meeting my squad that I don't know how I am going to handle meeting the little boys and girls in Mozambique and Cambodia. My face is going to hurt from nonstop smiling and my sides are going to hurt from continual belly laughing.
I cannot believe that I was chosen. It is all paying off. Every moment of loneliness. Every moment of setting myself apart and trying to figure out what it looks like to "live holy." Every time I denied guys and chose Christ. Every time I stayed in for the weekend and wrote songs that God placed in my heart. Every moment that I turned off my TV and studied my Word. Every time that I pressed my way to prayer. Every day that I woke up and put God first. It has culminated to this moment in time where God in His infinite wisdom and perfection has pulled back the curtain and shown me that no pain was wasted.
God orchestrated my entire life so that I would be ready to make his name known and it brings me extreme joy to know that He loves me. He loves me whether or not I go on the Race. He loves me whether or not I am a "good Christian". He loves me whether or not I have memorized all the scriptures that I want to or if I was nice to my family that day. He loves me unconditionally and the crazy thing is that He loves everyone with this crazy love, which is why I have to go.
So what do I do now?
Ummm, I am going to get a healthy amount of crying in. I am taking pictures galore. I am filling out job applications for next year and trying to get Sallie Mae to be nice to me. I am cleaning my room up and journaling a lot. I am praying and praying some more. I am listening to worship music and taking time to be with the Lord. I am soaking in the calm before the storm and asking God for strength for this next week of long hugs and tearful goodbyes. Greater is coming and I cannot wait.
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I will be introducing my team in a few weeks, but please keep The Chainless in prayer, we greatly need it as we go through our last week at home. Thank you so much.
