I don’t want to go anymore.
It’s true. I don’t want to go anymore. I am tiring out from the journey to even get to the start line. How am I supposed to make it 11 months if I can’t make it 6 or 7 weeks? These are thoughts that I wrestle with as I watch videos about the Race and start to grasp that my comfort (hot showers, safe housing, beds, bug free living areas, spacious kitchens, reliable cars, convenient grocery shopping, wi-fi, washer/dryer, couches, fans, instruments, and more) is being stripped. I get it, I get it, it’s all worth it for Jesus; it’s all worth it so that others can hear the glorious news of the gospel, but let’s be honest-I am selfish and my thoughts are not always selfless and beautiful like those of Jesus.
Sometimes, I downright just want to stay with the masses. I want to get my normal job and go about my business and ignore the 26,000 children dying of preventable causes every day. I want to get sucked into materialism and narcissism and Instagram every beautiful picture of myself. I want to hoard my money, time, and talent for those are close to me who I like and not go out of my way to serve the least of these who I know can never return the favor. I want to get lost in fantasies about my own future, while ignoring the fact that billions of people without Jesus have no future.
But there is no turning back.
I have cried too many nights over the brokenness of this world and pleaded with God to send me. I have fasted and consecrated my life so that He could better use me. I have tried to learn the Word, so that I could teach, preach, and encourage others. I have practiced my chords and memorized my songs to start leading worship. I have worked out almost every day, so that I can be physically prepared for the journey that lies ahead. I have soaked in so many last moments and started preparing for my goodbyes. I have praised God in advance for all that He is going to do and I can barely quell the joy that rises up when I think of my new family-V Squad and so I have to switch out of my emotions and into my spirit and dwell on the truth.
Christ is with us. We shall overcome. We shall get homesick and cry at times and we shall get overwhelmed at times, but in those moments we will learn to fight for rest and peace. We shall be tempted away from this radical journey, this biblical call, but we shall not walk away because we were made for this. I think about Ephesians 2:8-9 and I know that God has prepared this Race in advance for me and so in those moments when I don’t want to go, I put on my worship music and go back to the Center. I go back to the reason why I signed up at all. I go back to He who fuels my existence: my Jesus!
So although I am human and prone to emotional fluctuation throughout the day, week, month, year; my spirit has resolved to be yielded to His will and His way and so I will go and I will rejoice in the glorious call into the marvelous plan of the Most High God.
Crazy thoughts can’t hold me back…I’M Chainless!!!
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Love you!
Btw, if you want to wreck your world (in a good way), read Radical by David Platt!
