Sometimes I come on this blog like I do in my life, way too consumed with how I am going to come across. I must type something encouraging and uplifting. I must exude Jesus from every corner and add an italicized verse to legitimize my Christianity. I need to have a fun title, a great photo, I need to pull them in. I want to see a high number when I see how many people viewed my page. It has turned into another altar where I can worship myself as the Great and Mighty Rachelle, but guess what readers, today is not going to my average blog. Today is confession blog.
I am narcissistic and to add to that, I am so prideful that I look down on you if you don't know what that means even though I literally just googled it to make sure that I was using it right.
I am not a super Christian. I am mean. Sometimes I don't even remember your prayer request five seconds after you said it. Guess what? I judged you for not being as holy as me.
I am not all lovey dovey, I am critical. Seriously, you can't cook or keep your house clean? You still can't spell naive? What? Oh man, I am just SOOO much smarter than everyone else in the universe.
I am not flexible, I am rigid, difficult, stubborn. Umm, that's not the plan. Stick with the plan, play your part, run on my schedule. Please don't make suggestions, I didn't ask for suggestions and even if I did, I wasn't really going to take it into consideration.
I could go on. Really, I could. For a looooooong time. But even that would feed into my pride about how transparent I am–total bull.
I am a mess y'all. I think of me and then me some more. I can save up for things that I want to do, but if my best friend asks me to do something that seems costly, I'm like hmmm, let's not.
People ask me if I'm excited to go on the trip and they tell me that they are excited for me and that this is the perfect time to do this because I am young and have no responsibilities and I just kinda shake my head, thinking do these people realize that this is a missions trip.
There will be cool pictures and awesome stories, but I am going into a war. We are not battling flesh and blood, there are real enemies in high spiritual places and so right now I feel like I am experiencing spiritual bootcamp.
God is bringing to surface the sin that I try so desperately to hide and submerge. God is revealing the darkness that is my heart. He has pulled back the curtain on the superChristian that a bunch of people see me as and laid me bare. He has stripped me of all the sinful securities that I cling to and I am left weeping, even now.
I am struggling to finish this post through the blurriness, but I have to say one last thing. God did not pick me because I was a great candidate. He did not pick me because I was super smart and so funny and nice and wonderful. He picked me because I am sin-ridden, broken, prideful, and awful. He picked me so He could show me and the world that He can use anyone…even the Pharisee, the worst of sinners.
So I will unabashedly ask that you pray for me. Pray pray pray that I can face the darkness within my soul so that I can pierce the darkness in the world. Thank you thank you thank you.
Oh and to answer all those people who ask me if I'm excited to go on the trip–I am excited beyond belief, but simultaneously feeling like Jonah and wanting to run as far away as possible. So pray y'all. Pray. Pray. And then pray some more.
