Tonight is my first night back on the job since my “accident.”
As I sat there putting my make-up on to cover up my still healing bruised cheek, my mind insolently wandered back to a faraway time when I was little. Without meaning to I remembered picking flowers by the field, catching frogs with my friends, and making up worlds of imagination to lazily pass the days away as my parents worked hard to keep my brother and I content.
Angrily, I cringed and slammed my mind shut on such memories. That is not my life. The spirit a little girl once had was a complete lie. There is no such thing as innocence or a reality full of those simple things.
They called it “breaking the spirit.”
Being locked in a room with 3 other girls for weeks as we were rotated on a beating and raping schedule was meant more than to just make me obedient. It was meant to take away my humanity. My first night there, I was forced to watch both happen to a girl no older than me, and was threatened that the same would happen to me if I didn’t do what I was told. Humanity. What a lie.
But the thing is, after a time, I willingly gave it up. No one had to take it from me anymore. Why believe you are a human when you are no longer living as one?
Being poked, prodded, hit, raped, and passed along like cattle from buyer to buyer no longer lets you look in the mirror as worth anything. I don’t even recognize the vacant stare that I see gazing back at me as a blot foundation over the faded purples and blues that color my cheek. There is nothing left inside to look at.
…..
At the bar tonight after my first 2 clients, I walked back out to the bar porch and watched as 3 Western girls meandered into the bar. My gazed quickly shifted from them to the man at the end of the bar who had been eyeing me for the last few minutes. As I prepared myself for the fake smile and flattering eyes to land my 3rd client of the night, one of the Westerners intercepted me. Caught off guard, I tried to walk passed her but she stepped in front of me again with an infuriatingly large smile and shouted above the music “Hi!”
“Hi.” I replied as I tried to side step her. “Can I get two cokes?” She blurted out.
Confused, I respond “Sure.” and head to the back to quickly grab them.
After bringing the cokes to this girl, she gave one back to me. Caught off guard again I shook my head thinking maybe I had misunderstood her order. No matter. She would still have to pay for it.
“No, it’s for you!” she said. “Wanna shoot some pool with me?”
I glanced over at my potential client, but he was already being waited on by my coworker.
Since she already bought it, may as well. “Uh sure.” I said.
As we racked up the balls, this girl introduced herself and her 2 friends to me. After telling her my name, she started asking me questions like “How long have you worked here? Do you like it? Are you from Chiang Mai?” Before I realized it, I had answered her questions and was expectantly waiting to answer more.
There was something about this girl and her friends. Part of me thinks their smiles are fake and their kindness too good to be true, but the other part of me feels oddly drawn to them. They look so….full. Their eyes…their smiles….it’s all uncomfortable and unfamiliar but I can’t peel myself away from them.
I quickly beat her in pool, after all, it was a game I was expected to play to be good at my job. Men respond to women who engage with them before getting to what they are actually there for. As I turned to thank her and go back to my personal nightmare, she sheepishly stammered out “Do you…uhm..do you want another coke? On me?”
Glancing at my bar mom as she haggled prices with another foreigner told me I had time for maybe one more drink. And I found myself oddly wanting to say yes.
This time, instead of playing pool, we sat down at a small table in the back. We sort of awkwardly sat in silence for a minute and then she began asking me more questions. More personal questions. Everything I had been trained to do told me to lie to her and make up some grand story about this being a part of my “dream”. But an odd glimmer inside of me told me to tell her part of my story. Part of my truth.
She listened with a sympathetic look in her eyes and even held my hand as I told her about ending up in Chiang Mai.
There was something different about her. She looked me right in the eyes, and even though I knew not much was looking back at her, I couldn’t look away. She simply looked at me and said, “You’re beautiful.” But it wasn’t the familiar complement I hear from men every night. There was a weight to her words. A sincerity I had long forgotten. I smiled and looked away as I tried to shove down the forbidden feelings that were threatening to sneak up. Then she asked me a question that would forever change my life.
“Will you come eat lunch with me tomorrow? When you wake up? I know you have a late night ahead of you and you’ll be sleeping late, but I would really love to take you to lunch.”
……
Agreeing to go to that lunch with her was the best, most terrifying decision I’ve ever made. It lead me to Zion Cafe. A cafe where the owner offered me a job and a way out of my current life. She even offered me a place to stay.
Being offered new, “better” jobs was not uncommon. After all, that is how I ended up being taken from my village…when a man came through and told my parents he could offer me a “better” job in the city. If they only knew…
But this place…it was different. Bright. Cheery. Clear glass windows, no tinting. Other girls worked here, other girls I came to find out were from the same life I was. But, something was different about them. Their eyes. When I looked into their eyes, there was a joy. A knowing. Eyes that I knew had seen the same things I had. Eyes that I knew once were as vacant as my own…but they weren’t anymore. They held something. They held hope. And healing.
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This story is written with the mixed details of the lives of several girls we have encountered so far in our first week in Thailand. As we go out to the bars in the afternoons and in the evenings, we get the chance to bond and love on girls who are in the midst of Satan’s playground, living a life we could not hope to fathom. This month, my team and I are excited to charge to the front of the battle lines and fight for these girls, these boys, and these children who are exploited and enslaved.
To do this, we go out each day and pay for {non alcoholic} drinks, food, and sometimes fun activities with the girls and boys we meet, in an effort to spend time loving on them, getting to know them, and ultimately [hopefully] offering a new solution and a new life to them.
We are asking you to consider partnering with our team this month by donating money so that we can continue spending time with these precious people. Drinks and food in the bars are charged triple what they are worth, and being able to take them from their jobs for day outings, we must be able to pay for both the girl and ourselves. Being world racers in month 9, the honest truth is that we simply can’t afford this for the rest of the month. However, it is the best and most effective way to reach out and help. So, WE NEED YOUR HELP!!! If you would like to, the best way to donate is through PayPal (so we have access to the funds right away and can distribute them throughout our team). Log into your PayPal account and pay to the email [email protected]. You will receive an invoice for the donation and a personal thank you! Any extra money we have at the end of the month will go directly to Zion Cafe and Lighthouse in Action as they continue to work at preventing, rescuing, and rehabilitating victims of trafficking and prostitution.
Thank you so much for partnering with my team and I this way. We are so excited to continue meeting people and just loving on them for our month in Thailand.
For more information about our ministry partners for the month, check out http://lighthouseinaction.org/
