So I’m currently in Atlanta with my X-Squad and a bunch of other world racers. We have a couple more days of training, and then on Wednesday we fly to Costa Rica!!
I’m very excited to leave for Costa Rica on Wednesday. But today was a very painful day for me.
I had to say goodbye to my family. This wasn’t easy. I’m honestly surprised I actually went through with it LOL. And I’m telling you one thing’s for sure…if I wasn’t 100% sure that God was calling me on the World Race, I wouldn’t be doing it. I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t be able to handle this pain I’m feeling.
But God is meeting me in this pain I’m experiencing. I want to share with you a personal story of how He’s showing up for me during this painful process.
The actual goodbye to my family came so fast, I didn’t have time to cry and be emotional in front of them. But even if I really had the time, I felt like I wanted to be strong in front of them. Strong in my choice to do the World Race. Strong so that they would know I could handle this year without them. Strong so that they couldn’t see how much pain I was in to watch them drive back to West Virginia without me.
But once they left, my walls came down.
While one of my roommates took a nap, I went to the bathroom, which is my temporary ‘prayer closet’ (if you haven’t seen the movie War Room, I highly recommend!!), and decided to let all my emotions out. But there was nothing to say. There was nothing to pray, nothing to write in my journal, nothing to say out loud, nothing to read in my bible. So I just sat for a while, and then started listening to the song “I will Follow You” by Kristine DiMarco and cried for an hour or so. I went through nearly a whole tissue box. And as my tears fell and I sat in the dark bathroom, the lyrics hit me hard. (Does God use music to speak to any of you??)
“I have decided, and I have resolved, in my heart, that I would go anywhere, anywhere, anywhere, just to see Your face”
“Moments may come when I feel so afraid, but I rest in the promise You made that You will remain forever faithful”
As I pondered these lyrics, and let out all the built up tears, I felt the Holy Spirit speak to me the words, “I’m here.”
That was so comforting to me in the moment, but also slightly shocking because I felt so alone just moments before.
But He didn’t stop there.
Once I felt the words “I’m here,” I had a vision of Jesus hugging me right there in the bathroom where I sat. I was seeing this picture from a birds-eye view, looking down at myself crying, and Jesus was behind me, sitting in the dirty bathroom floor with his arms wrapped around me tightly.
It was awkward for a split second because the picture of what was happening was highly embarrassing. Sitting in the dark in the bathroom floor, straddling the toilet seat so I could put my journal on it like a desk, crying my eyes out. And I hear the words “I’m here” and get this picture of Jesus in the bathroom with me, His presence completely surrounding me.
All I could do was smile and cry even more. But it was the first step in walking this difficult but amazing journey with Him. He wanted me to know that YES it hurts, YES it’s painful, YES I’m super close to my family, YES it’s terrible right now…but it’ll be worth it, because HE is worth it. He also had to leave His parents while He was on the earth, so He knows exactly what I’m going through right now. And that’s pretty awesome.
We put God in a box…we tent to limit Him to certain things, such as showing up at church service or speaking to us only when we read scripture. But God doesn’t want to be put in a box. He doesn’t want just the “normal” with us. He wants ALL of our time and attention. God saw my hurting and humble heart, and met me in the bathroom floor, right beside the toilet, and wiped away my tears. I wasn’t alone in the bathroom today…and that just makes me smile.
Psalm 56:8- “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”
