It was a long day of school. I had just gotten back to the volunteer house after a 45 minute school bus ride with a bunch of kids and a 7 AM to 3 PM day of teaching squirrelly 3rd graders at Santa Clara School. I opened the door to the house, sluggishly walked upstairs and collapsed onto my bed. I was exhausted. After a couple minutes of laying lifeless on the bed, I decided to be productive and journal, which was something I had not done for the past week because I had been too tired and busy. I started to write and the words poured out of me. All my pent up frustrations from the past week were scribbled intensely onto the paper:
November 18th
I don’t see God in what I’m doing. All I am doing here is teaching English to kids who won’t listen. I want to be able to grow with God and talk about Him to others. I want to tell others about Christ and His love and lead people closer to him. However, whenever I try to start conversations with other teachers or kids, they ignore me or change the subject. Yes I love the kids I teach and I do my best to show them love and grace, but how is that alone going to bring them closer to God? Anyone can be nice… I am not cut out for a full time job where I can’t talk about God during the day. I just come home feeling exhausted and frustrated. I feel bad because I am not present where I am, for I am constantly imagining all the other people I could be talking to about God. I don’t see God in what I’m doing now.
I thought my journal venting session would help me feel better but it just made me feel worse. I stood up from my bed to grab my phone from the top bunk to play a mindless game of Solitaire. As I reached for my phone I noticed a pink notecard with a new sparkly headband laying on top of it. I grabbed the notecard and started reading the message on it. The note was written as if it was from God (I don’t know who actually wrote it. It was someone on my team 🙂 ). This is what it said:
My darling daughter,
You are so bold, beautiful, and strong. You fill me with joy each day and you bing tears to my eyes when you love my children the way I do. You bring light into the darkest of places. I made you my beloved to fit like a puzzle piece into my perfect plan. No one else can take the shape I have specifically given you and without you there is an empty space. Your heart to serve has not gone unnoticed by me, one of my greatest joys is seeing you walk into the fullness of who I created you to be. You are my princess, I am altogether pleased with you.
Love, Your Heavenly Father
When I finished the note, I started weaping tears of joy. This note was exactly what I needed. I needed to hear my father say that he was proud of me and what I was doing. Even if I am not talking directly with others about Him, God is delighted that I am loving His children.
As I sat and reflected on the note, I heard God’s voice so clearly tell me
“Don’t worry my love, just trust me in the plan I have for you.”
God made me specifically for a purpose, and that is to glorify Him. He has placed me in this school teaching English for a reason. Even though I do not know what that reason is, I trust Him. So maybe I won’t be leading people into a deep relationship with Christ, but maybe they can start to associate the word “Christian” with love. Who knows! It’s up to God.
I then remembered the verse Jeremiah 1:5 which says:
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
God was telling Jeremiah that he was created specifically God’s purpose, which was to be a prophet. He knew what Jeremiah was going to do before He was even born. He had a plan, and He created Jeremiah specifically to fufill His plan.
Before I came to Honduras, before I came on The Race, even before I was born, God knew that I was going to be working at Santa Clara this month. He created me specifically for a purpose here and He chose this ministry just for me. Instead of wishing I was somewhere else, I need to be thankful for the opportunity God has given me. When I told God that I wanted to follow Him and serve Him, this is where He placed me. He has a purpose for me here. Maybe I am only supposed to teach English and love on kids, or maybe God has something more in store for me this month. Only God knows the plan, and I am just the lucky girl who gets to be a part of it.
