Am I really willing to die God? This is the question I have been wrestling with every since “the incident” happened. Two days ago, three of my teammates and I were robbed by three men with machetes. Since that day, I have been wrestling with fear for my life and trusting God in everything. Let me start by first telling the story:
For the past two weeks, our squad has been doing construction on a very large piece of land that our ministry host, El Puente, owns. The land is being developed into a tree farm, a school, and a market center, all in the efforts to improve the well being of the Nicaraguans who live in the impoverished neighborhood next door. Three of my teammates and I were hopping the fence to get onto the land to go do our ministry, like we had been doing for the past 2 weeks. It was about 12:30 in the afternoon. We walked past a couple of teenagers who were sitting on the wall. We said “hola” to them and told them to have a “buenas dias”. As we crossed the wall and walked a couple steps down the path, one of the teenagers we had just past ran up to my squadmate Brooke with a machete, pointed at her purse and demanded us to give it over. He yelled to his friends “vamos” who were as running towards us with machetes. We surrendered 2 bags, 3 wallets, and 1 Iphone. As he walked away, we sprinted in the direction of the rest of our squad and the security guard for the property. We alerted our host and the authorites. With the help of the police, our ministry host, and the community, the teenagers were found and arrested. However, none of the stuff was found or returned.
Since this incident, I have been struggling with intense fear. Walking around the Grenada neighborhoods, something that I had been doing all month, became a challenge. I constantly feared that someone would rob me, hurt me, or even kill me. On top of that, we are traveling to Honduras this upcoming month, which is one of the most dangerous countries in the world. People kill with no motives.
Last night, after processing my fears and feelings with my team, I decided to spend some alone time with God. I felt Him calling me to lay on the grass and gaze at the stars above. It was a really clear night and the stars were beautiful. However, I began to fear the bugs that might be in the grass next to me. I have previously shined my headlamp on the grass at night and have seen lots of spiders crawling around in the grass. I knew that they were there and I did not know if they were venomous or not. I started debating if star gazing was a good idea and I began to desire to be in the safety of my tent, away from the giant spiders. BUt then, I heard God’s voice say “you can go back to the safety of your tent, but you will only get a small, limited view of my beautiful stars. If you stay here in the unknown of the grass and spiders, you can see much more of the beauty of my stars.”
When He told me this, I immediately smiled. I love to hear from my Father, but I also realized He was talking about much more than just stars, tents and spiders. He was addressing the fear that I was dealing with. Yes, being a missionary can be scary, yes Honduras is dangerous, yes there are violent people, but if I trust the Lord and step into those “dangerous” situations, God can show me so much more of his beauty, wonder, and power. I can see Him change evil to good, I can watch His love change people, and I can learn to trust in Him with my safety and the plans He has for me. I won’t be able to witness the extent of God’s power if I hide in an alarm protected house in America.
Just look at the disciples! They were put in jail, beaten, persecuted, beheaded, and killed all because they loved Jesus and wanted other people to know His love. Sure, they were probably scared at times, but their love for Christ outweighed their fear of dying. They just wanted to follow their loving Father even if it meant they had to be in harms way. They died for standing up for their beliefs.
Christ died for us so we could have eternal life; so why should we be afraid of hurting and dying for Him? God didn’t call us to live a life of safety, He called us to follow Him into the depths of the unknown, all in the name of loving and trusting Him.
So, all this to say, am I scared for Honduras? Honestly, yes. But I am praying continuously and surrendering my fear to Him, because my love for God is stronger than my fear for my safety. I want to have a faith as strong as the disciples. I want to be willing to die for Christ.
