All right guys I’m gonna be real with you for a second, I DID NOT WANT TO POST THIS BLOG! I am about to open up to you about how I recently screwed up and I do not want to. I can open up easily about my past failures before I became a Christian but talking about what is going on now is hard. I have this false belief that Christians are supposed to have it all together and that I need to be perfect (which is NOT TRUE). But I am going to be real and tell you what happened last week… So let me tell you how I failed! YAY!
This past week and a half I went to Ireland with my family. IT WAS AMAZING! I got to see some of the most gorgeous sights ever! From Giants Causeway, to the Cliffs of Moher, I saw some of the most amazing parts of God’s creation. It was a time that I could have been so close to God and worshipping Him for what he has made. I could have been asking God who He wanted me to talk to or what he wanted me to say or do when I was interacting with tourists, locals, and my own family. But guess what… I didn’t… Instead I was highly distracted with what was going on around me. I was busy taking pictures and making sure that I was having the “best” experience for me alone. I spent my whole trip away from God, completely tuning Him out.
I wanted to be close with God on this trip. I really did. I brought my bible, my journal and had every intention of spending time with Him. But, guess how many times I touched my bible on this trip: 0. Guess how many times I had personal time with God: 0. Guess how many times I even thought about God: maybe a few… I honestly didn’t even realize how far I was drifting from God until I came back from Ireland and had my morning devotion at home. That’s when I heard Gods voice speak to me “Where were you Rachel? I missed you!” I instantly felt condemned. Oh great.. if I cant even go on a family vacation for a week without failing at spending time with God and proclaiming His love to others, how am I going to go around the world for a year and be a good missionary? I leave for the World Race in 4 weeks… do I even have what it takes?
After spending about an hour beating myself up over this past week, I started hearing lies from Satan. He told me that I wasn’t a good person, I wasn’t going to be a good missionary, and I wasn’t a good Christian. After realizing these were lies from Satan, I needed desperately to find some truth. So I armed myself with the sword of truth by opening up my Bible, hoping to learn what God was teaching me through this. I came across a story that I read before but it really stood out to me this time. It goes like this:
39 Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him. 40 On reaching the place, he said to them, “Pray that you will not fall into temptation.” 41 He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, 42 “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” 43 An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. 44 And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. 45 When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow. 46 “Why are you sleeping?” he asked them. “Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.
Luke 10: 29-46 NIV
In summary, Jesus knows that he is about to be crucified. He wants to spend time with His Father and wants his friends, the disciples, to accompany Him. I think that Jesus wanted to be comforted by spending time with his closest friends on earth and his Heavenly Father. But, when Jesus needed His disciples the most what did they do? They fell asleep on Him.
If it were me in Jesus’s shoes, I would have been extremely mad at the disciples. Here I am in a moment where I need them the most and they fall asleep. I probably would have yelled at the disciples or given them the cold shoulder for a while. But I am not Jesus and we know that Jesus is the king of grace and forgiveness. So what does he do when His disciples fall asleep? He wakes them up and merely encourages them to keep praying. And we don’t know what happens after this but it is possible that a few of the disciples fell asleep again! Jesus does not punish them, but he forgives them and encourages them.
The disciples were Jesus’s closest friends. They had devoted their lives to following Jesus. But even after they became disciples they continued to mess up. However, as we see in this passage, every time the disciples messed up, Jesus showed them grace and STILL wanted them to be His disciples. Even after they sinned they were still able to follow Jesus, preach the gospel, heal the sick, and perform miracles. Jesus never stopped wanting them to be His friends, even when they abandoned Him in His time of need, and even when they betrayed and denied Him.
I can relate to the disciples in a lot of ways. Even though I have devoted my life to Christ, I STILL MESS UP! And guess what, ALL CHRISTIANS MESS UP. My distance from God during my time in Ireland was like my time “falling asleep” on Jesus. When He needed me to be with Him, I spent my time distracted and doing my own thing. But God forgave me, and not only that He still WANTS me to be with Him and follow Him. I don’t know about you, but I think that is some pretty powerful stuff!
So my question of “do I have what it takes to go on the World Race?” is answered by God in a resounding “YES!” because all things are possible through God who loves us and has forgiven us. Just because I have messed up, even after knowing about the World Race, doesn’t disqualify me from going. And even when I mess up on the race (which will happen) God will still want me on this journey. He still wants me and loves me as His own child.
So to conclude, if you ever feel like you have screwed up, whether you are Christian or not, I want you to know that IT IS OK because God has forgiven you! First, repent and give it to God. Then accept His great gift of forgiveness. Then you can learn from your mistake and let it go. If you sit in your self-hatred and shame, that is when the enemy can sneak in and feed you lies that you are not good enough and never will be. But I want you to know that that is A LIE! You ARE good enough, God thinks that you are good enough, and all He wants from you is to come running back into His arms.
