In Guatemala, I made a few choices that weren’t in line with what God has planned for my life. Even in those thoughtless, careless moments with the decisions I made, I still thought I was per say “on track” (getting there, growing) and doing fine with my walk with Christ. But really I was living double minded.
{James 4:7-8 So submit to God, But resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hearts pure, you double-minded}
That was a lie. It was something I told myself to keep from pushing for more, from pushing myself out of my comfort zone, dealing with things about myself related to peer pressure, and selfish impulse. I knew these things weren’t honoring God, and I was selfish in that; I wasn’t letting God into my life completely.
Coming to Malaysia, a country saturated in Islam, has revealed a whole new level of who Jesus is to me, or even who he is in everything. Many times, I would think, “Is Jesus even real? Is this God that I’ve known ever since birth something that we’re all just convincing ourselves exists so that we don’t feel alone and hopeless in this corrupt world?” I know those thoughts to be valid. I know that at one point in our faith and walk with Christ we come across this bridge in the middle of no where… “Is this relationship something valuable and something I hold to be true and real? Am I sure it’s not a story I’m making up in my head?”
Lord, I pray that even when we don’t feel you, we don’t “see” you, that you are there with us. You hold us and take us to the places in our lives that hurt, that hold us back from becoming one with you. You take those things and redeem us, forgive us, and still love us so much.
God I pray that you give us the courage to repent, to turn our lives from those things we’ve now given to you, and to take us to places with joy and freedom! “““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““`
{Psalm 23 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He takes me to lush pastures, he leads me to refreshing water. He restores my strength. He leads me down the right paths for the sake of his reputation. Even when I must walk through the darkest valley, I fear no danger for you are with me; your rod and your staff reassure me. You prepare a feast before me in plain sight of my enemies. You refresh my head with oil; my cup is completely full. Surely your goodness and faithfulness will pursue me all my days, and I will live in the Lord’s house the rest of my life.}
I knew there was this big rock in the way of my relationship with Christ. I knew there could be more. But I didn’t know what exactly; I was blind. I just thought I was purely messed up, which made me want to give up almost entirely.
I always hear that no matter how close you are to the Father, there’s always more to receive and to grow in. While that is true, because his greatness is infinite, it wasn’t quite like that.
It wasn’t till my teammate Grace had lead a night of worship where she read some thought provoking questions to meditate and reflect on:
“Who is God personally to me?
What could God be for me if I gave him more space?
I encourage you to take these questions to your own quiet time, and listen, really listen if there’s anything the Lord wants to reveal to you.”
That night, there was a spark in my heart. I noticed there was something in the way. I became convicted through one of my amazing squad leaders and the Holy Spirit. He carried me through that conviction and took me to deep places beyond what I would’ve pictured. Amen for Christ-following, listening, trusting, obeying children of God who love each other enough to confront and lift each other up as the body of Christ that we are.
From that time till now, I became restless, unhappy with who I was. I felt like I was in a dark, dark pit where I felt I could not get out without help. Right now, as I write this, I can say that I am a beautiful, redeemed, loved by my Father, strong woman who desires only to know him and to serve him. My identity is becoming restored more and more by his hand, wonderfully formed into who HE is, and who he created me to be. Jesus is speaking and living in all parts of who I am, not just the part of me that wants to live for something more than what this world has to offer. I give him all of me so that he may use it for his glory.
In this he’s also opened my eyes to see more of him in places I ignored and didn’t think he existed in. I’ve always waited for huge things like prophecy, miracles, prayer, or signs.
But nah, he’s here. He’s in my every day life, blowing me kisses of blessings.
I now see him in my teammates, in strangers, in the sky…everywhere.
And that’s all I have for now.
To all who have been praying for me, thank you! I appreciate it so much!!
God is doing wonderful things here in my team, Wildfire, and I’m super pumped to see how he continues to change our hearts and this place for his good.
ta ta for now,
Love, Rachel
