The Lord works in funny ways. From confirmation in a teammate, a small voice, a vision, dreams, or (the most common) connecting the dots in radical ways from my past to present.
My first season of growth on the race was in Intimacy with Him. I didn’t have a true relationship with God before. I honestly didn’t even know what it looked like to have one until I was surrounded with people who thought of God as a best friend that you communicate with daily, and not once a week (if that) like I did. I grew closer to Him through spiritual disciplines, learning more about the Word, spending time daily in the Word, and learning from others around me. It was a hard season of walking through things from past relationships/friendships, being shown how it affects who I am today, and pushing into/through that. It was intense and often a daily struggle, but it was good. God is good, even in the difficult times.
Foolishly however, I assumed that this new season was a time for rest. To just continue with the basic (but good) relationship that I had with Him and to just enjoy the people around me. That this was a time that wouldn’t really require a daily effort, or soul searching days of struggle. Wrong. Every day is a day of growth. It may be something small or something life altering but God is always working.
I was asked the question yesterday how I would describe myself and I didn’t know how to answer. I started with, “Well I’ve been told…”
I’ve been told… I’m quiet.
I’ve been told… I’m shy.
I’ve been told… I’m reserved.
I’ve been told… I’m calm and steady.
I’ve been told… I’m a safe space.
I’ve been told… I’m an internal processor.
I’ve been told… I’m an introvert.
I’ve been told… I’m an observer.
But that wasn’t the question. How do I describe MYSELF?
It really took me by surprise. I was stumped. So for the past 12+ hours, that’s all I’ve thought about. I still don’t have an answer but I know who I used to be.
I used to be…. quirky and weird.
I used to be…. a giggle box.
I used to be…. happy 99% of the time.
I used to be …. a deep thinker.
I used to be… always on the go.
I used to be…. an adventurer.
I used to be… energetic.
I used to be… always wanting more.
The thing is, both lists are true. I am all of these things. Which may be confusing since they mostly contradict themselves. I have been shaped by the people I surrounded myself with and who God created me to be. I am meant to be the “I used to be”, but I have become the “I’ve been told”.
Most of my past friendships/relationships have been one-sided. I was stepped on. I was used. I was only needed when it benefitted them. Don’t get me wrong, it was a mutual problem. I allowed it, and it was abused. Little by little, I have turned into a chameleon. I became reserved and shy because it was too risky to be myself. I began to blend in wherever I went, because I didn’t know how to be myself anymore. I didn’t know how to set boundaries that are healthy and necessary. I didn’t know how to make that separation of being myself, but serving others. BUT that is what God is for. He is here to guide me back to myself. The quirky, weird, unique, deep thinker, adventurer that I am meant to be.
God once again took me by surprise. He speaks to me in the only way He knows will sink in. Hard, fast, and completely out of the blue. It’s a hard but exciting time.
I have also been blessed. I have been blessed with revelation, so I can move forward. I have been blessed with community (even if for a short time) to help me walk through the hard things. I have been blessed with time outside of my comforts and easy life to push as hard as I can into these things to grow and learn. I have been blessed with perspective that not only shows me what to work on, but how I can use that to help others walk through the same things. God has blessed me. God is good. Through all periods of life. God is good.
