Have you ever felt like you are drowning? That there is so much weight on your shoulders that you can’t get up? That every time you take a step forward, you are shoved 5 steps back? That has been part of my journey for the past 2 months.
The World Race is a rebuilding experience. I brought my own baggage when coming on the Race and I expected to work through it, I just didn’t expect it to hit so hard. I recently read Kingdom Journeys by Seth Barnes and I am in the stage of brokenness. This book talks about how every one needs a kingdom journey. We all need a great adventure to get us out of our comfort zone, break us, and rebuild us back to our original state that God created us to be. Brokenness can be in many different forms. My brokenness has looked like confusion, overwhelmed by community, hitting a wall with God,being separated from home, and slowly uncovering past hurts.
It has been a brutal process that I am still very much in the middle of. Every time I have taken a step forward, I feel like I’ve fallen 5 steps back. Cambodia has been a time of self-discovery and growth. I have learned things about myself that I need to work on, remembered things from past relationships that I need to heal from, and been shown what areas I need to grow in.
God is working on me in every aspect. In Kingdom Journeys, it talks we need to embrace the brokenness to the fullest so we can be recreated. Even after reading this, I was too stubborn to accept it. I have spent the past two months pushing it aside only dealing with the surface. I didn’t want to face it. I just wanted it to go away. I just want to be on the other side. Can’t I just snap my fingers and jump over all this pain and work that it’s going to take? No.
I have been broken, hurt, damaged, and changed by this world just like everyone else. We all go through this. Over the course of our lives, we will all be hurt, damaged, and changed in some way. Why would I think that it would take a snap of the fingers to deal with all this? To be healed and recreated?
I have made the decision to stop pushing it aside. To embrace all the hurt and growth that God is trying to show me so I can finally reach the other side. I know that what is over there is better. To become my true self is the goal, but I can’t reach it without learning all I can from my hurts. Baby steps aren’t enough. I have been given this time on the World Race to embrace it. To grow and learn in such a supportive and great community that I wouldn’t have anywhere else. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity and I’m going to take it.
Please don’t take this the wrong way. This is a good thing. I couldn’t grow into all that I need and want to be without this brokenness. God has me right where he wants me. It is part of the reason I am on the Race. I have this opportunity for true intimacy with him that I wouldn’t have back home. This is another gift from God. It may be hard but it’s going to be one of the best things I’ve ever done.
The World Race has shown me who I can be and I’m ready to push through to the other side. Thank you all for joining me on this journey. I have such comfort in knowing that all of you are walking beside me in support and encouragement. So keep me in your prayers as I begin to dive in and walk through this. It’s going to be a painful process but it’s going to be worth it.
Love,
R
