Let me take you back to last year. I decided to go on the world race in April of 2011. When I got accepted I pretty much told God that I didn’t want to lead. I didn’t want to be in any type of leadership role. It’s always just been easier for me to follow and go with the flow. It’s true. I really wanted a year off to ‘be free’ and not have any responsibilities or weights to carry. Plus I didn’t really think I could do it and have wrestled with confidence pretty much my whole life.
The mandates of ‘God this is what I want’ went flying out the window when I was asked to be a team leader at training camp in July. They called us into this room and extended the invite to be a part of the leadership team. They gave us all but 10 minutes to pray and give an answer. I went outside and sat on the steps of a nearby cabin basically kicking rocks, frustrated and hesitant.
“God, I can’t do this. Why did you choose me? I just want to be free this year. I’m not even a good leader. I’m afraid. I’m not the one for the job. I don’t even know how to lead. And you know how much I hate making decisions. Why? How do I even do this? Can’t I just follow?
There was a pause for a minute and then I heard Him speak back to my me.
Rachel, do you trust me? Quickly responding. Yes, Lord of course I do.
Do you trust me? Frustrated. Jesus, Yes. I mean I think I do…?
Do you really trust me Rachel?
This time I just sat there, realizing where I was really at. There were parts of my heart that were struggling to trust. There were things that this situation was clearly bringing to the surface. I had come with my own agenda, my own expectations and my own what I wants.
O Jesus, I know I should trust you. I really want to. I want to accept all that you have for me. I want to believe you. I want to be excited. I want to trust without struggling! I want what you want for me. I’m scared though. Why me? I don’t have anything special to offer. I have no clue how to do this? Won’t you help me Lord? I can’t do this without you. Is there any way you would change your mind and just let me follow?
[Side note: Isn’t it funny how Jesus never really answers the why to questions? He usually just throws out another question for you to sit and ponder. Not funny Jesus.]
Anyways, we sat there in the silence on the steps of that cabin in the middle of the woods at training camp in Tennessee. I knew what I had to do. I knew I had to accept. I knew my answer was yes. I knew deep down that this wasn’t about a job to do but more of a calling that the Lord was inviting me into.
So I accepted. I said yes and I walked the thing out for next three months. It so challenging! I realized over and over that God had called me not because I had it ‘all together’ but because He clearly had things to teach me. He put me in situation after situation to grow and stretch me in ways that only being in leadership would bring out.
Then came month three of the race in Nepal. Phillip and Christy sat down with Christian and I and shared their hearts. They would be leaving at the end of the month and felt God calling us into a role with more responsibilities, squad leading for the next 8 months.
What?!!? Are you serious Jesus? You know I have had the hardest time these past three months leading. You know all the times that I have epically failed. You know all the times I wanted to follow and not lead out. You know how bad I wanted to quit. I still don’t even know how to do this? Jesus, can’t I just follow?
Rachel, do you trust me? Jesus! Are we seriously back to this? You know I trust you.
Do you trust me? Pause. I desperately want to.
Rachel, do you really trust in me?
O Jesus, we’ve been through this so many times. I want to trust you. I know I can trust you. I desire it more than anything else but here I am struggling again. Lord, I can’t do this! I seriously have no clue of how to do this. This isn’t my strongest point. In fact I feel weaker than I’ve ever felt.
Rachel my love, breathe. You can trust me. I am with you. I will never leave your side. Don’t you see? This isn’t your squad. These aren’t your people. They are mine. Won’t you give up fighting me? YWon't you find rest in all of this? You have been begging me to follow for months this is me answering. I want to lead. Won’t you follow Me?
In hindsight I can laugh about all of this now. It has been one heck of a wild ride over these months that's for sure. The journey of knowing where I need to be, but not being there yet has been an intense process.
I was talking to my best friend Brandon today and realized that most of the time I live from the place of process. Most of the time I live from the middle. I live in that place of tension where I haven’t fully worked out all the stuff yet. And throughout this journey most of the blogs I write invite you smack dab into the middle with me. Thank you for that. Thank you for coming with me. Thank you for loving me enough to venture out into the middle even though half the time I’m not sure where we’re going.
Today I write from a place of revelation. It’s interesting. I like it! I can see that God has and is changing me. I feel like a completely different woman. I am actually walking in who He says I am. I have said yes to what He’s called me into. I’m not fighting Him anymore. I’ve made peace with things even though I don’t have all the answers. I’m okay knowing my weakness because I know how strong my Jesus is. I’m okay looking like a fool for Him. I’m okay not always getting in right. I’m okay not having all the answers. I’m okay throwing out my own agenda and jumping on board with His plans.
Because saying yes to what He has called me into has brought about the most ridiculous amount of freedom I’ve ever experienced. The more I say yes the better it gets. The fruit of trust, peace, patience, boldness, grace, confidence, and rest continue to grow in the garden of my heart. And not just grow, but to be tall and blooming!
And so the story continues. This past week was a pretty big marker for A-squad. We had our 8-month debrief and entered into month 9. I was faced with yet again the “Do you trust me” question.
Do you trust me with your squad? Do you trust me with the teams? Do you trust me with travel? Do you trust me with your next season? Do you trust me? Do you trust me? Do you trust me?
Wow. I realized I was back to trust.
Yes! Jesus. Yes! I trust you. I do. I really trust you. I do'nt quite fully get it all but I'm choosing to trust you.
I realized in that moment that what Jesus has wanted all along is….. ME. He wants my heart. He wants my process. He wants me to see myself the way He does. He wants me know that He is a good Dad. He wants my willingness. He wants me to partner with Him. He wants me to know that He won’t ever give up on me, that He's got me. His Love is endless. His understaning I can’t even fathom? And His mercy, O how beautiful it is.
Jesus, I pray that you would continue to bring me to the end of myself and help me trust you even more. Thank you for calling me. Thank you for your love that keeps me going. I love you. I trust you!!
