When one becomes a vagabond, he must submit to the fact that change is the only real constant.
On the world race, transition becomes a dear friend. Teams rearrange. The countries of the world become boxes on hopscotch board. Ministries- dipped into and swung out of. Flexibility is a mandate. Flying by the seat of your pants is the norm.
I suppose this is no different from the rest of my life. I’ve never stayed in one place longer than three years. I’ve gotten used to digging in deep, but then bowing out due to circumstance or boredom. I’m an explorer, with an unquenchable itch for adventure. It’s possible that all the moves I’ve made were genius chess plays by the Lord on my behalf. It’s also possible that my wanderlust and care-free spirit have morphed me into a rootless tumbleweed.
But here in Nicaragua,at the end of month 10 (out of now 12), on my fourth continent this year…all I seem to be craving is some stability. For the ground underneath me to quit feeling like a rushing river. I want some rocks to stand on. I’ve had a growing desire to be somewhere…and to be there for a while. Instead of stepping into people’s lives to minister for a few weeks, I want to disciple. I want to be discipled. I wanna invest without the knowledge of, well, yeah, I’ll be jetting soon. I (for the first time maybe ever) want commitment. I want long term. Not long distance. Up close. Personal. Every day. For quite some time.
Because all of the transition has worn on me. At times it can create a sense of loneliness even. Of detachment. Of things not really mattering because, hey, I won’t be here that long anyways. Expose and move on.
The other day in prayer, in desperation, I asked God: Please just give me something stable. Someone. Somewhere. Anything to feel secure.
He answered my spirit clearly: “Well what do you think I am?”
Rock of ages. Jesus is mine. I suppose that’s who…
With less than two months to go on the race, it seems we are all trying to figure out what to do with ourselves afterward. Right now I am looking at two tracks in front of me. One being, another year of life in transition. Play around this summer, work in the fall. Possibly more race stuff in the spring. After that who knows where God will take me.
The other track is one where I’d pick a place I’m going to be, with the intention of being there…indefinitely. Until the Lord calls me elsewhere. Honestly, both have a lot of perks and things they would shape me into. Both would open a fruitful set of doors.
In the midst of all these feelings of homelessness and insecurity, my team had a feedback session that spoke a lot of truth in my heart. In unrelated discussion, someone spoke over me that I am a security to a lot of people, everywhere I go. That I create an atmosphere of stability, of- solutions will come, of- it’s all gonna be all right. I offer consistency and safety in times of craziness and uncertainty.
Yet sometimes I get attacked with the thoughts that I have no security. That I’m lonely. That I’ll always be a wandering soul.
Jonathan David Helser once said in a sermon that “The exact place where you’re hit with the most fear is the exact place you’re created for greatness.”
The exact thing that God has gifted me with has been twisted into a fear and a weakness.
I took it all to the Lord again. He reminded me that He is a God that never changes. That He is always good. Always faithful. But who is also way too creative to do the same thing the same way twice. All over the bible, He does the opposite of what we think He’ll do: pick the 12th son to become King of Israel, defeat entire cities with trumpets and marching, use the most doubtful disciple to become the rock of the church. He made thousands of species of strange birds… He even made them to where they can even morph and change themselves. Flowers take on all sorts of shapes and colors. Millions of stars were flung into the sky, populating galaxy after awe inspiring galaxy. So much variety! All things unique, but all things follow rules of structure and form. Physical and biological laws. Brilliance mixed with dependability. He is a tension of constancy and creativity. And in the middle of that, if we look close enough, we will see the wonders of His love for us.
I’ve seen this week, that I am an image bearer of God in this way.Always doing something new, but with a strong, secure undergirding.I am an oak of righteousness. I am an artistic vagabond.
“Come, my beloved, let us go out into the field and lodge in the villages.
Let us go out early into the vineyards and see whether the vines have budded,
whether the grape blossoms have opened and the pomegranates are in bloom.
There I will give you my love. The mandrakes give forth fragrance and beside our doors are all choice fruits,
new as well as old,
which I have laid up for you, O my beloved.”
Song of Soloman 7: 11-13
