Right now, as I sit at our hostel in St. Lucia, South Africa I’m feeling convicted about never posting a blog I wrote last month. Last month in Swaziland God showed me a lot of things about myself, some that aren’t so flattering.
A lot of my morning quiet times with Jesus last month consisted of me bagging Him to help me love. You see even though my heart always broke when I watched all the videos of AIDs infected orphans in Swaziland, once I arrived things seemed different. I came into Swazi seeing these beautiful children and knowing how blessed I was to be able to spend time loving them the way Jesus would, but I didn’t feel it in my heart. For some reason, I felt nothing, other than heartless. I prayed and prayed asking God why I didn’t care more. I wanted so badly to love them and knew they deserved all the love I had to offer and more, the deserved to experience Jesus’s love but for some reason- I wasn’t showing it.
So then God taught me. He opened my eyes to see that the reason I wasn’t loving the children and feeling connected to them through my heart, was because somewhere on this journey I lost my hearts connection to Him.
He taught me that really I have nothing to give, and I never will.
but
He has everything to give. AND when I am connected to Him, like truly connected to Him, with a connection in our hearts, I then become able of giving His love, which means I have everything to give.
I can’t express how hard it was for me to be in a place that I really wanted to love, but never had my heart in it even when my actions were loving. Its also embarrassing. I am ashamed that I spent so much of my time in Swazi detached in my heart, but I know God will redeem this the same way He has redeemed everything else I’ve messed up in my life.
And though it isn’t how I wanted to spend my time, I am also thankful for it because now I am humbled. I can never be proud of myself or even my capability to love others because God taught me the reality of love. I can’t love anyone without Him. The only love I have to have is His and if I’m not connected to Him, I’ve got nothin’.
I apologize to all of you who have supported me and continue to support me. I am so sorry if my time in Swazi let you all down or disappointed you, but I am doing my best and trusting God to redeem and even use my mistake for the good of His kingdom.
This month my heart is in God’s hands. I am trusting and asking Him to teach me and help me love Him and the others around me the way He would. I’m not trying to do it on my own. I’ve been shown I can’t even love without Him.
