I sat in the grass, watching the sunset silhouette the trees and farmhouses on the horizon of where we live in Kenya. And I thought about something.
I have talked before about seeking God’s purpose in my life. And while it is true that I have desired to carry out my life within His will, I have always simultaneously had a plan of my own.
I thought if I wore my WWJD bracelet and read Romans 12:1-2 enough, I could carry over the foundation of the faith I grew up with in my safe, sheltered grade school into the wild and lonely world of my high school. I thought if I read the Bible and prayed enough in college, that I could be good enough to regain God’s love and favor after falling away. And New Year’s of 2010, I thought if I told myself to guard my heart, I could live out a season of singleness.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with reading the Bible, with prayer, or with having standards by which you live by. But I found that in all of my striving, I failed. At some point, I got weary of fighting or I got tempted, and my flesh was weak. I fell down, I fell short. And I thought I had let God down.
But what if the Battle was never mine to fight?
David could not kill Goliath. But he chopped off the giant’s head with the very sword Goliath had wielded against him. Moses was afraid of public speaking. But he told Pharaoh to set his people free and went on to write most of the Old Testament. Gideon was told to make his army smaller so that the victory in battle would go solely to the Lord. And God told Zechariah “It is not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit.”
The best times of my life have been when I knew what was happening was 100% God and had nothing to do with me.
So here I am, with just 4 short months until I am back on American soil. And I don’t have a plan. My squad is all in the same boat, having left school, careers, and relationships to follow God on this crazy awesome journey around the world. And in each country, we get asked what we will do when all of this is over, and all we can do is tell them to take it up with the Big Guy because He is the one who directs our steps.
I do not want to rely on my flesh or in a plan that I devise. I want to lean solely on God. Alone, I am weak and inadequate. In Him, I have the same power that raised Jesus from the dead living inside me. So it seems obvious which one I should choose when I am faced with the lies of the enemy, with the temptations of my flesh, with the fear of the future.
