I am sitting on a train ride into the last month of the world race. This blog has been on my heart for quite some time… so I write it now… with hesitation in mind but honesty at heart. (I will try my best to make this make sense) jumbled thoughts and jumbled lessons… (was on a train)
This year has been really hard… amazing… life changing… personality altering… and more. As I have mentioned before I have struggled with an eating disorder, which plagued me for about 8 years. An obsession with body image has been for my life… well, as long as I can remember. Comparison, the sense of “not good enough”, thin and trim is how I needed to be. So I strived and strived for the world’s standards and even a distorted picture of that too. I was addicted to quick fixes, infomercials, gym memberships, cosmetic surgeries, diet pills, laxatives, rules and regulations to what I can eat, when I should eat it, how many calories, how many carbs? Did I exercise that day, and for how long? Was it good enough? Was I good enough?
This is next part is from a book I am reading called, Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge.
“I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I ever met feels it – something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not good enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.
After all, if we were better women – whatever that means – life wouldn’t be so hard. Right? We wouldn’t have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts. Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them? Why do our days seem unimportant, filled not with romance and adventure but with duties and demands? We feel unseen, even by those who are closet to us. We feel unsought – that no one has the passion of the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain – uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.
Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us – whether from a driven culture or a driven church – is try harder.”
Oh, the volumes this speaks to me!
This part- “After all, if we were better women – whatever that means – life wouldn’t be so hard. Right? We wouldn’t have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts.”
My version – the lies I have believed and agreed to… I have always thought if I were only THIN – life wouldn’t be so hard. I wouldn’t struggle with acceptance, there would be less stress in my life. I wouldn’t have to strive anymore. The thing is, is when I think back to when I was thin (ner) I was not happier, I was self consumed and found no peace in life. I was going at a fast pace and was not allowing myself to slow down and let God capture my heart. I was too busy. Too busy trying to keep up with the world.
Not until this year was I able to slow down and give God my heart and finally find that peace. God has expanded my heart, and my waistline has gone with it this year. I am not thrilled about this added weight but I wouldn’t change it for the change God has done in my heart.
Not being able to eat what I want, not being able to exercise regularly. Eating things that are definitely really fattening then finding out later its content or ingredients and noticing its effects on my hips and arms. I had to (still having to) come to a point that I give God control and not try to fight Him anymore.
This year was hard because I had to give up my family, friends and comforts of home. I didn’t realize I had to give up my body and my control of food. Something that has defined me. Exercise and self discipline… to achieve the image I set my eyes on. The body to obtain, the goal of thin and fit… the approval of a smaller jean size, a cute shirt and a compliment from someone. A compliment that landed on the surface of who I was and was whisked away by the hot breath of a destructive word from another or even myself.
Nothing set in deep… nothing reached the core of me. Not until now. Not until the exterior of me is far from what I have strived to obtain back home… but the interior has been reached, my heart has been captivated by the love and approval of my Father. My Creator. He has me and He tells me that I am BEAUTIFUL! Therefore as true as the Word is to us, His words spoken to me are as true. They are equally important to listen to, proclaim and declare over my life, to meditate on, and to thank Him for.
It took me giving Him control over everything. Everything I had my hands on for me to find His peace. To trust Him.
My dream.
This dream happened the last night in Swaziland. A month of craziness and the revelation of a root of rejection which needed dealing with and healing from. Rejection was revealed when fear was something I was fighting with. I read a phrase in the book by Joyce Meyer, How to Succeed at Being Yourself. It said, “A poor self image allows us to operate in fear instead of faith.” This hit me HARD. This statement fell within a chapter about rejection. More could be said about this… but for now I’ll tell you about the dream.
In the dream I was being chased by a man. I was afraid of him. He was chasing me because I had something he wanted. I had it tightly gripped in my hands. I got to a house where my family and friends were. I ran to a room with a closet and looked around in the closet for a place to hide the thing in my hand. There were several little spots I could hide it but decided on another location. The FRIDGE. He got to the house and without words I knew what he wanted to do to me. I told my family and friends quickly that he was going to inject my neck with a shot of air and that the bubbles were going to go to my brain, it was going to cause me to forget that I was going to show him where I hid the thing he wanted. I told them not to worry and that everything was going to be ok. I annoyingly gave into him and allowed him to do exactly what I told everyone. He gave me the injection and I showed him and it was gone.
What was this… I had wondered for days and even months. Little hints as to the interpretation of the dream. First there was scripture God had given me 2 days after the dream.
2 Timothy 3:6-7
For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, always learning and never able to arrive at the knowledge of the truth.
I went on to read different areas of 2 Timothy.
2 Timothy 2:21-26
So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. Have nothing to do with foolish ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant one, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may escape the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will. (was me)
2 Timothy 3:10-12
You, however, have followed my teachings, my conduct, my aim in life, my faith, my patience, my love, my steadfastness, my persecutions and sufferings that happened to me at Antioch, at Iconium, and at Lystra- which persecutions I endured; yet from them the Lord rescued me. Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted. (is me)
Now I still didn’t really understand how all this applied to the dream, it all makes sense but who was it that I was running from, what did I have?
Talked to several people about the dream and many felt it was God chasing after me. I wasn’t sure about this because I remember being afraid of the man in my dream. Why would I be afraid of God? Why would I run from Him? Oh… yeh… maybe it’s because He wanted to take something from me that I wasn’t willing to give up… something that I was afraid to let go.
This dream haunted me for about 2 months… randomly thinking about it off and on, here and there until one night last month it came up again and in conversing with my teammate Dave I understood.
It was God running after me. What I had so tightly clenched in my hand was CONTROL… of what? FOOD… where I hid it… in the FRIDGE… why was I scared? Because my identity was wrapped up in it. Who was I if it wasn’t this person who was constantly concerned and defined by appearance and image?
I told God… “please just take it… just take the control…” kinda like the dream. He said, “I’m not going to take it… you have to surrender it.” That’s harder!
So this is where I sit. Continuously trying to give Him control… and find the balance between exercising self- control. A spirit He also gave me too.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control.
I am not pursuing the same things I used to. Not looking to man for their approval the same as I used to and seeking God and His love and direction as much as I know how. I am trying to flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. I want to follow His teachings, His conduct, His aim in life, His faith, His patience, His love, and His steadfastness. For it is the only place where PEACE – FREEDOM – and LIFE is FOUND.
No more running away… and no more hiding…
As I have said before (Refining Fires of Malaysia)
Psalm 30:11-12
You have turned my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!
( note: I have more thoughts on these topics… approval – “not good enough” / too much – striving / driven to come… next blog perhaps.)
