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I want to be F.A.T

I would never guess that those words would come out of my mouth, considering I have always worked hard against the physical aspect of weight.
It has been the biggest stronghold of my life; that and men.  The approval of MAN.

Oh, how I love God and His desire for me to be honest…
Here I go… sigh. Deep Breath!

My greatest fear is dissipating. Praise God!  That must be why I am able to talk about it, or perhaps why it has become so clear that I am no longer deceived.

 
The fear of being unattractive, by Man’s standards; weighing my worth with a scale and against the world’s view of beauty and body image is what I have done.  Here’s how deeply rooted it’s been…

I have dealt with the bondage to an eating disorder.  Bulimia.  Eating disorders are dark and shameful, self-consuming and chaotic.  There is no rest in a spirit overtaken by this.

 
I have always been prideful.  Praised for achievements and appearance which both have gotten me the attention and approval of man.  Body image has grown up with me… Barbie, Miss America pagents, then to the athletic build and fitness took me far.  When I was young, about 8 or so my dad made me aware of keeping my stomach tucked in, sucked in.  He said something to the effect of helping my posture.  I remember I was drying the dishes in my old house and from there on out I was made conscience of my body and appearance.  Around this time too, 2nd grade I started to compare myself to my small, tiny bodied friend who received the attention of a boy I liked.  I equated her size to the reason she was liked and I wasn’t.
 
This carried on throughout all of schooling.  I started to be addicted to infomercials and quick fixes to look better.  Never was I “good enough”.   I don’t quite know where greed started to sneak in.  I know I always “wanted more” and was sneaky about getting it.  I remember stealing Dexatrim pills from Kmart way before I could even drive.

I went on to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on myself.  I most definitely have sown into my flesh longer than into the spirit and for that I have reaped a corrupt life and a tainted spirit.

Galatians 6: 7-9
“Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.  For one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.  And let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.”

My eating disorder started after I received the attention of a guy because of my looks, who I later cheated on my boyfriend (at the time) with.  Full of shame and guilt for hurting the one person (at the time) I loved most, I tried to maintain a weight that wasn’t right for me while indulging in food to relieve stress.  

 
My parents’ marriage was horrible.  I interceded on my mom’s behalf because (at the time) she was emotionally weak and I put on the façade as being stronger.  Therefore I would confront situations in their marriage with my dad and stand on her behalf.  I would build up a false strength to talk about things that mom was hurting from, with anger in my heart and a defense towards my own dad.  Confrontation about their coexistence of a marriage, which ate her alive, while I ate to escape and throw up to correct the havoc my body would endure had I truly not “gotten rid” of what I just ate.
 
Weight gain and being unattractive; my greatest fear. (how pathetic)

Never measuring up to the image and the standards I have placed upon myself.  My “active” eating disorder plagued me for 7 years.  There were points that it consumed me entirely and times that it just remained an option of an outlet to stress.  It usually happened to flair up when I failed strict rules and guidelines to the current diet I put myself on.  Satan uses the line, “might as well” and then it snowballs after that. (food, alcohol, money, men)

Last summer I was bad.  I can’t say it enough, even though I should stop saying it.  Lust of the flesh was in full force.
Eating disorder, body image, attention, men, partying, plain old corruption of my mind – body – spirit.
The start of the year was bad, but the summer and a prideful spirit got me into a lot of trouble.  This time last year the world race The World Race entered my thoughts and vocabulary. (this portion of the blog was written at end of June ’09)  

The battle began.
Good and evil.  Fighting in my mind. Mid July ’08 I broke down to my mom and said, “I feel crazy.”  
I was drained… yet filled with an energy to flirt with the demons in my life.

God pursued me and did not allow me to rest.  He put a desire to be rid of myself, because I was fed up with how I had chosen to be.  God closed the doors on all work and responsibilities.  
I had nothing holding me back.  Nothing but COMFORT and really… How comfortable was that? Feeling crazy…
Nothing was helping me.  Not where I was at in any case.
Early that summer I started to have a desire to speak to women.  Modeled after my main lady, Joyce Meyer and I thought to myself, I could see myself doing that.  But that was a quiet whisper amongst the yelling in my mind and spirit.

Mom and I watched her every morning.  We had a routine down.  I drenched myself in her teachings and God continued to tug at me and my mom in different ways.  He was healing us both in areas that needed healing and calling us to different ways of walking with Him, both equally beautiful.
The contemplations of “should I or shouldn’t I’s” were in full force.  Go or don’t go.
My friends thought I was crazy… which I was. 

There was a change for the worse in me and they didn’t know what to do, yet I talked to them about mission work…
 
I felt so OUT OF CONTROL.    I was.
 

My friends were very supportive in these times that were really challenging and confusing for me.  They were able to confront me in love about my change in behavior and even attitude.  I was grateful to them then…. and still thankful to them – for them NOW.

 
I looked into short term trips, while walking and talking with God, He said, “It’s not about you” I knew it was Him.  With other confirmations from Him… I knew it was what I needed to do.  Not what I wanted to do, but what I needed.  God knows what I need at all times… GOOD THING cuz I usually don’t.
 
My pursuit of The World Race had begun about this time last year.  

My eating disorder still around and my partying and paranoia of people talking about me was actively consuming my thoughts.  My friends and family thouroughly confused at who I was and what the heck was going on with me; as I was too.
Early August was my final straw in the partying and craziness, mid August I was accepted to the race and fundraising began early September.  

 
Something took a drastic turn, God was taking desires away from me and I was feeling the change.

My parents marriage had gotten better, ups and down’s (as in any and all marriages) but my mom and her faith in God, His love, His provision and her relationship with Jesus is amazing and she is stronger than ever.  She is my MOM.  When she is weak, He is her strength.  When she is upset, He is her comfort. Not me.  Just as it should be.  Her trust and confidence in the Lord is inspiring and I am grateful to God for the transformation in her.  Dad’s spirit has settled and there is more peace about him as well.  THANK YOU LORD

 
Mom has been there through it all.  With the eating disorder still around here and there… in September I told God, “We have to be done with this, if You want me to be any use to You out there.”

Early October I attended the Joyce Meyer Women’s Convention and was healed of the eating disorder.  The act of purging at least.  The thought and temptation was still there and sometimes still is. But I have STOOD ON what God told me.

“Rachel, You Are Healed, Live It, I Need You.”
“Breathe In Your Healing, Take A Deep Breath and Breathe In Your Healing.”
 
That has carried me through.  Standing on His Words spoken to me.  

The greed and overindulging hasn’t stopped though.  Lusts of the flesh flair up.  
But His Word holds true.

I want to be rid of it completely and walk in the VICTORY I know is mine… Because of Him and His grace to die for me, obtaining the victory over death.

 
I have continued to have issues month to month, different ones here and there.  Each one combating different areas in my life needing to be broken of what I have built them up to be.

 (this point will continue on in the new blog, “My Chains are Broken”)
Things not of God, things God would never want me to be, to do, to speak to myself or think of myself.

                                                              
                                                             So now, when I say I want to be F.A.T what does that mean?

Last month in Botswana around the campfire our friend Dries said, “God likes F.A.T. people.”  I was confused.  He went on to say…

FAITHFUL – AVAILABLE – TEACHABLE

I had to agree and thought to myself, I want to be F.A.T. for God.  There have been so many things I have put on myself to hinder and prevent the true blessings of God to be felt and experienced in my life.  

And now a concern about my body and weight?  
God,
You spared my life, my body, one You created.  
To endure a 30′ fall through a roof, ceiling, wiring, crashing down
to finally hit the hard floor.  Had not my body been in the shape,
condition, and added weight, it could have been even worse.  
You allowed me to WALK away from that.  
So I rejoiced after the fall for Your mercy and for my body.  
Why then do I worry?  
Why now do I feel I have fallen short of the world’s standards?  
When the world’s standards are NOT Yours.
You matter most to me.

Lord, as I give You my all this month… through fasting and prayer,
my prayer is that You make me F.A.T.
In FAITH I choose to make myself AVAILABLE so that I hear clearly
and obey in love Your TEACHINGS over me and my life.
For You, I give thanks and praise.
That I can seek You and because You are faithful and
Your Word says I will find You.
As I draw near to You, You will draw near to me.
I thank You for this Truth.

I Thank You for YOU.

Lord... may this blog and this honesty You have called me to be a blessing to those who read it… may if fall upon spirits that need to hear it.  May it awaken souls and reach those You intend to it reach.  May Your Will be done…
and may no hurt or offense be taken by anyone.  

I trust You Lord.  I love You. In Jesus REDEEMING Name.
AMEN.