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To quote a key figure in my life, Joyce Meyer’s says it well,

“I may not be where I need to be, but

Praise God I’m not where I used to be!”

   I can’t even begin to tell you the changes that I have undergone in a matter of a year. God has really pursued this heart of mine. Time after time when He called to me and I turned my back on Him. This time last year… oh I wish I had my journal on me. I know what it was filled with though. Thoughts and complaints about myself and all the crap I was putting myself through. Oh the unnecessary problems. Yet all the lessons now learned. This time last year. Do I even want to go there? Mentally? Emotionally? Yuck. Yet somehow God was able to use me in those times as well. Not that I really made myself fully available to Him.

   May. Right. Yeh… well, it’s spring in Minnesota. So I was out and about walking and jogging. Out and about partying and drinking quite a bit. Out and about with the term of “single and ready to mingle”. I had been broken up with my ex for almost a year by then and was thinking I might be able to move on. Date, talk, whatever. I did. Went on dates, talked and did “whatever”. With very few restraints. Seeking attention and approval of MAN. Of MEN.

   Their words of, “You’re Beautiful, You’re so Sexy, You’re….” whatever else, meant so much to me. It gave me a boost in such a low self-esteem, that was a temporary fix. Temporary acceptance of myself with a need to be verbally praised, verbally approved was what I lived for. Someone to tell me I was good enough, to tell me I was better than, to tell me I was the Best. Because I didn’t believe it of my own self.

   Not once did I really accept what God had to say about me. What God tells me I am, Who I am. When I was in a state of such negativity and self-criticism I could hardly see past my own crap to care for others. To call upon God’s love for family, friends or strangers.

   I remember last year about this time Meghann pulled me aside one night after an occasion where her pent up anger was let out. I was confused on her reaction to a small incident at a bar where she blew up at me, stormed out and was deeply angry with me. It so happens she was fed up with the way I was being. Several occasions in which she was patient with me and she tucked her feelings aside hoping I’d get better. She knew it wasn’t me and that it needed to be addressed because clearly I couldn’t see the way I was. She said she couldn’t take it anymore,to be around someone she loves who is so down-in-the-mouth and critical. Not compassionate and accepting of people, quick to point out faults and just icky. She knew I wanted better, she knew I didn’t want to be that way. She knew I was having a hard time loving myself. I was so down on myself it was sooo easy to get down on others.

Here is another quote from Joyce Meyer I can identify with, 
                
               “You can’t give away what you don’t have.”
 
   What this is referring to is God’s LOVE. Now, don’t get me wrong God loves us. But we also have a choice to accept His love. We have a choice to accept His gift to us. The sacrifice of His Son. The one thing He loved more than anything. When we do so, we are able to be filled with His love and it’s His love that exudes out of us. It’s the best love, the purest love, the strongest and most abundant love. God is Love. (1 John 4:8)

“…Freely you have received, freely give.” (Matthew 10:8 NKJV)

   I did not have God’s love flowing through me at this time. Not the way He would have liked it to be, I’m sure. I knew God loved me, but it wasn’t a personal love, an intimate love. A love I am learning and beginning to accept.

   It is a beautiful thing. It is a surprising thing too. To feel the difference in myself. The characteristics of God coming through. It feels good and I want more. Sometimes I catch myself feeling compassion and love for people and situations that I know I would have never thought twice about. Out of sight, out of mind and definitely no heart involved at all.

   Thank You God that you have brought me ½ way around the world to show me Your unending love. After a pretty serious accident that I had a few days ago God told me I would never have to question His love for me. Not that I completely questioned IF He loved me, it’s just that I didn’t realize how much He loves me. 
   As I read in the book, “How to Succeed at Being Yourself”-Joyce Meyer. There is a part I read the day after the accident that God just had me sit with. Not to read any more that this for the day. Soak this in.  It said, “Accept God’s love for you and make that love the basis for the love and acceptance of yourself. Receive His affirmation, knowing that you are changing and becoming all that He desires you to be. Then start enjoying yourself – where you are – on your way to full spiritual maturity.” When I read it a second time I felt like He put it in a way that He was speaking to me.

 
He then said,

“Rachel, accept My love for you and make this love the basis for your love and acceptance of yourself. Receive my affirmation, knowing that you are changing and becoming all that I desire you to be. Rachel, start enjoying yourself – where you are at – you are on your way to full spiritual maturity.” – God

So as I began, so I end…

“I may not be where I need to be, but

Praise God I’m not where I used to be!”

I’m on my way…may God guide and guard my steps in His direction…

wherever that may be… however that looks… it’s where I want to be.

Praise GOD for

HIS Infinite

 
 
LOVE