If I am being completely transparent with you I have procrastinated writing this post for some time. I have delayed writing this post because it makes things real and I would rather this not be real. This particular blog post will be about my time at Training Camp, leaving early and the reasoning behind choices that I made.
The first day of Training Camp was mostly filled with traveling to get to the Adventures In Missions campus. After a short flight, I grabbed my big pack and made my way to a meeting place for all of the squads. My oh my were there a lot of people!! I was overwhelmed with joy and excitement as I met all of my squad mates! Soon, we found ourselves on a bus headed from the airport to Gainesville Georgia! Once we arrived we unloaded everyone’s bags and went inside to verify a couple things and to find out who was on our team!! Side note: for those of you that are not familiar with this a squad is typically made up of 50 (ish) people and then is broken up into groups of 6 or 7. The smaller groups (called teams) are the people that you will live with and do ministry with on the field!! Any way I scanned my card and was elated to find the names of five other young women!
My team was made up of Ana, Bella, Ally, Kim, Maddie and we were led by Alison! These women will forever hold a special place in my heart! They taught me how to love fiercely, fight for what I believe in and most importantly to completely rely on God.
It was my second day a tad before lunch time that I was pulled into a one on one. During this time a lot of hard things were talked about. It was at the end of this meeting that I was told that my health was the first priority and that we all needed to turn to God to ensure that I had in fact had enough time to heal and that my mind and heart were prepared for all that I was going to witness on the field. This information was a slap in my face. Going into my one on one I had no idea of the weight that it would hold.
Walking out of the building, tears streaming down my face I approached a group of people laying in hammocks. A sweet young woman named Jess asked if I wanted to talk. We walked to a quiet place and I explained all that had happened in the last two hours. This courageous woman spoke life into me. She prayed fiercely and spoke Truth over me. After this conversation I was still very much upset but my heart was at peace!!!
I walked back to my camp site and wanted to be alone and sulk in my misery but instead talked to several people and asked to be covered in prayer.
This second day was filled with tears, heart ache and confusion.
On my third day that I talked with two of the leaders to bring more clarity to the situation. There were more tears but there was also more peace! It was during this meeting that the leaders had come to a decision. They had come to a place where they were comfortable with me going on The World Race if I agreed to stay on my anti depressant that I was weaning off of.
Major Side note: (!!!) Back in February, after I had been baptized and truly developed an intimate relationship with Christ, I began praying that He would reveal to me things that I was more dependent on than Him. It began with technology, then progressed to certain foods that I desired more than Him and eventually led to Him revealing to me that I was more dependent on my medicine than I was Christ. Hear me out here, medicine was an essential part to my recovery! And I do not discredit any one that takes anti depressants or anxiety medicine ( or any other medicine for that matter )!! It was a personal thing for me. I had reached a point in my recovery where I no longer needed a substance in order to function. So I sought guidance from professionals. I began talking with my therapist and psychiatrist to discuss the appropriate time to begin weaning off of my medicine. We decided that the best time would be early June- right after school had ended.
This ultimatum that I had been given was not something that I took lightly. I was hurt, I was confused and I was angry. I was irritated at the fact that because there had been a miscommunication on their end about me weaning off of my medicine, that I had to make this difficult decision. Despite all of these emotions, I chose to not let them overwhelm me. I chose instead, to have the Father overwhelm me with His peace and His presence. I truly have not prayed harder for anything in my life. I wanted to be obedient to God in staying off of my medicine but I also realllllllly wanted to go on the World Race Gap Year!!!
After hours of praying and seeking wisdom from others, I had reached a decision. I decided that I needed to obey what the Lord told me in February- to wean off of my medication. As heartbreaking of a decision as it was to make, I know that I made the right decision. Though I do not know why the Lord has put a “wait” button on me going on the World Race, I trust Him.
I quite honestly have no idea what the next nine months of my life will entail; however, I do know that the Lord’s plan for my life is much greater than my own and I know that there is security in obedience. In this season of being still and waiting, my main priority is to mend the relationships with my siblings and parents that I have damaged.
((( Why is having your family be your mission field so underrated?? Making things right with your family and asking for forgiveness from them is so much harder than any mission trip than I could ever go on!!! )))
From this experience, I am learning how to fully depend on the Lord and what walking in obedience really looks like. At the end of the day, I know that I am where I am supposed to be.
