I want to be honest, raw, real, and open on my blog posts. Everyone sees my pictures on Facebook and Instagram and probably thinks that I am having the time of my life on this crazy adventure. What I want you to know is that you only see the cool and good stuff from those pictures. You don’t see the struggles that we feel and experience every single day as racers. Some of the struggles are big and messy and others are really small but creep in and create a fissure so large that it’s hard to see God’s truths.
So here are some of the thoughts that have gone through my head every single day on the race and multiple times a day lately
– My face has never been so greasy
– I have never sweat in these places
– All of my clothes are dirty and stretched out
– I have gained weight and it is seriously affecting my mood
– My face and body has aged 2 years in 3 months. How bad is it going to be after 11 months?
– My eyebrows look horrible and my hair has roots
– I’m so sick of wearing my hair in a ponytail
– I don’t smell bad but I’m tired of not smelling good
– I feel so unattractive
– I have never felt less beautiful
– What man would ever want to pursue me
– I just want to look like a normal and presentable human being
These little thoughts have crept in and started to truly affect my mood and my race. It’s crazy because I never thought these small physical things would be the cause of big mental struggles for me on the race.
The past 2 days were really hard and all these thoughts put me in a terrible mood. I just kept thinking about all the negative images I had of myself. The part that sucked the most is that at the same time I was thinking, “Why are you letting such little and superficial things bother you? Seek God’s truths, “ but I just couldn’t move past my thoughts.
Yesterday, I was having my quiet time and felt a nudge to get out my old journal and read my entries from Haiti. I got to a part in my journal that I do not remember writing at all.
August 24th Journal Entry:
Lord, do you have anything you want to tell me today?
Are you ready?
For what?
Dive
What do you mean?
Dive into my truths and away from the lies
Lord, what are your truths?
I am pursuing you. I have pursued you every day of your life. I long to make you happy. I long for you to see your beauty through my eyes… Because, Rachel, you are beautiful. Your eyes are a light to your soul. You are kind, you are a comforter, you are joyful, you are peaceful. Your smile makes my heart shine. When you smile people around the world can feel my love. You are my daughter, you are my princess, you are mine.
If you know me at all, you know that entry was not me. That entry was all God. And just like that, God reminded me to stop worrying about the big and small things because He has me. When I find my identity in Him, I will see myself the way that He sees me.
How cool are God’s truths? How amazing is His love for each of us? I want to encourage everyone reading this to find their identity in Christ because His love for you is so strong and so passionate and He will reveal the way He sees you. And it will blow you away because it is that good!
