I came onto the World Race with expectations – so many expectations for how I thought the Race would be and what I thought my Race would look like. I watched videos and read a few blogs, and I expected my time in Africa to be rough. I expected it to be hot, mosquito-ridden, and physically challenging. I’d expected that, as a squad, we’d experience those crazy things that missionaries always talk about. You know, wondrous healing, grand miracles, and intense spiritual warfare. And going into South Africa, I felt like I was prayed up and ready for whatever lay ahead.
What I wasn’t expecting was to be placed in the middle of a white neighborhood at a ministry with first world amenities. I wasn’t expecting to experience the kind of freedom that Jesus granted me, nor was I expecting to be asked to lead a team of eight other women into Swaziland for the month of March.
Swazi was a month of rediscovery for me. When I was asked to team lead, my first response was to laugh nervously, “Really?” Out of all the women to be placed on a temporary team (because March was “manistry” month) did they really choose me to lead eight other spiritually healthy women? Women who have great relationships with the Lord? Who are prayer warriors? Who have been dedicated Christ followers for much longer than I? Yes.
I prayed about the position and felt that it was somehow what the Lord wanted for me for the month. And over the next couple of weeks, I struggled, hard, with feelings of insecurity surrounding my position. I felt under qualified. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be the leader of some of the women on my team. I felt unworthy. But my leaders were such a source of support and wisdom, and over the course of the month, the Lord used my leaders and my team to speak such generous words of affirmation over me and my leadership abilities (I was so grateful).
All of this aside, the Lord also dropped what felt like a load of crap from my past in my lap. Not only was I struggling to feel worthy as a team leader, but I realized through processing more of the hidden rot in my heart that self-worth, in general, is something I struggle with. The Lord revealed just how great of an effect my past has on the way I view myself and my worthiness. So I began to explore the depths of past relationships – heartbreaks, crushes, and intimacy – and I understood, for the first time, the patterns of my past and how much my relationships with boys and men have affected the person I am today.
I slowly began to process this clarity given to me, and it was painful. I really didn’t like digging up the hurt from my past. And I especially didn’t like facing the reality that some of my past relationships have a negative affect on the way in which I view myself. But I realized that God set me up as a leader at just this time so he could dig up that pain and reveal it to me during a month of vulnerability and honesty. I was able to process, and lay at the cross, relationships and people from my past. I allowed Jesus to re-write parts of my heart, and I allowed him to continue redeeming my view of men and relationships, something he has done for me throughout the Race.
Though Africa didn’t end up being as physically exhausting as I’d expected, or as spiritually miraculous as I’d hoped, I was able to discover truths about myself and begin a process of freedom with the Lord. I know that Jesus is beautiful and that he has been slowly preparing my heart for something more, something that already brings me joy. And all I can do now is continue seeking my identity in Christ, allowing him to use whatever means necessary to keep rewriting the way I view myself, allowing him to speak his truth into me.
