Being on the world race has taught me so much. Where do I even begin with these past 6 months? God has taken me to so many places (figuratively and literally). I’ve learned about and seen the effects of communism in Bulgaria, spiritually dark towns and Roma (gypsy) communities in Romania, Christian church revivals in Albania, refugees fleeing their homeland into Greece, the devils hold on people in Zambia and racism still so prevalent in South Africa. I’m learning to love people I do not necessarily get along great with. I’m learning healthy communication. I’m learning to play the guitar. I’m learning to be present. I’m learning to cook. I’m learning to grow in my spiritual gifts. I’m learning to give feedback. I’m learning things about myself I’ve never even given a thought about until now.
My team has loved me well enough to call out my lack of confidence. “Rachael, when you speak you have really good things to say. Speak up. Be confident. You have a voice. Invite people into what you are doing, learning, what the Lord is doing in you…and don’t speak rejection over yourself.” I never realized I spoke words of rejection about myself. Here are a couple examples:
I’m practicing guitar, and a teammate comes and sits down across from me wanting to listen. I make a comment something like, “Let me serenade you with the little I know; not that it will be any good.”
Another example is when I spoke and gave a testimony in front of some youth. I said things beforehand such as, “This may not go well, I get real nervous in front of people; this isn’t my forte; I won’t do as well as ____.”
These examples may not seem like I am speaking negative things about myself at first, but I am not speaking words of life either. When I think about it more and more, this is a defense mechanism. I heap rejection on myself before I can give anyone else the chance to do it. Why do I do this? I’m not sure. I should know my team well enough that they would never speak words of rejection like this over me. In fact they will speak the opposite: life-giving words, affirming words, words of encouragement.
Since the race started, I’ve been learning to find my voice, my confidence. I see myself growing into it in small ways, especially this month in South Africa. Leading small groups, going to a school and speaking to high schoolers about various topics, speaking up when the Lord has something for me to share, even something as simple as playing the guitar/singing.
Our last Sunday with the church we were working with in here, the pastor asks if anyone from our team has something to say. Before he could even finish I shot up and said yes. I had a testimony of the way God answers prayer (Abby…) and I wanted everyone to know about it. This seems small, but for me to share in that setting was big for me.
I am a work in progress. I am human, and I fail everyday. But I am learning to find my voice and figure out how it is God wants me to use it.
I have something to say, and SO DO YOU!
