I want to share the journey of God leading me to shave my head. Yeah, let's just say that's something I never thought I'd write.
What happened.
Let's rewind to a few weeks ago. I came back from being outside for a few minutes, only to find my team talking about what would happen if all of the five women on my team shaved our heads. I listened intently for a few moments as the conversation continued, and then the question was directed to me. Would I ever shave my head? I promptly replied with a Big. Heck. No. That was something I would never do. I would never even consider like that, it was out of the question.
Later that night I was talking to God and processing the day, when God reminded me of the comment I had made earlier. I realized that if shaving my head was something God asked me to do, would I be willing to be obedient? Would I only follow Christ to a certain point, and then tell Him that He couldn't have any more of me? That He could have my heart, my mind, my life, but not something like my hair? It was at that moment that I decided I would be obedient if He ever asked me to shave my head.
Fast forward to two weeks later. I was attending a leadership retreat for all of the leaders, and I heard my squad leader talking about a video she had made on her race, when she had shaved her hair. Nothing more was mentioned about it, but I felt God tugging on my heart again. “No, this can't be. I didn't really think You would ask me to do this God.”
Prayer happened.
The next day I woke up with it still on my mind. I felt this overwhelming need and desire to pray about it. I didn't have a journal with me at the time, so I used my computer to type out my prayer. I'm about to share what I wrote, to let you all see a very exposed part of my heart. I didn't write it so anyone could see it, but I feel like I'm supposed to share it with you.
“Lord, the concept of shaving my head is completely foreign to me. A few weeks ago I would have never thought about it, never even considered it. But You ask that I completely follow you, not just to a certain point. So if this is something that you want me to do, I will do it. You call me to do things I don't want to do, because You know me so much better than I know myself. If this is what it takes for me to be free of my self image and the lies I believe about my self worth and my appearance, then it is worth it. If this is an act of obedience, then that's what it takes. I'm tired of being scared of following You, all in. I'm tired of saying You can have this much of me, but only this much. Lord, if this is something You want me to do, then give me confirmation. Have this be something from You and not myself. This journey is about freedom, freedom in You and freedom from lies I've believed my whole life. I am Your child. I am Your beloved. My worth is in You, not in what other people think of me or even how I think about myself. So if this is something You really want me to do, then make it completely obvious that this is from You. To be honest, I'm scared. I'm scared I won't find myself pretty anymore, not that I see myself in that way anyway. I'm scared that other people's reactions will tear me apart. But that's because my worth is in others, not in what You think of me. And that's where I want my worth to be. So just give me confirmation Lord that this is from You. Give me the courage to do what I need to do. Give me the strength that only comes from You.”
Encouragement happened.
After I prayed this, I knew that shaving my hair was what He wanted me to do. I don't know how to explain to you how you know when God asks you to do something, I just knew that He did. I came back from that weekend knowing that I was being asked to do this, but I was still utterly scared. The piece that essentially makes up my femininity, I was no longer going to have. I wish I could say that I had the courage to do it right then and there, but I didn't. I went to my team and told them I needed prayer. I didn't reveal what I was planning on doing or what I was even thinking, I just told them that I needed them to pray for me. And what happened? They just spoke truth and encouragement and love over me. They gave me the strength to do what I knew God was asking me to do, and for that I am entirely grateful.
So now you know about the journey and process that led me to this decision. In my next blog, I am going to share my heart and intentions behind shaving my head, and what I think God is going to teach me through it. All in all, it all comes down to being obedient to Christ. Are you willing to follow, even when He asks you to do things you don't understand? Will you let Him cultivate your heart in ways you never could have imagined?
Matthew 16:24-26 says, “Then Jesus told his disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man, if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?'”
