Just so you know, I don't want to write this blog. The Lord has been telling me to share this story since training camp, but I've found numerous reasons not to tell it. How come? Because it's about my story of leadership.
I wanted to be a leader.
Before training camp, I knew that there would be a leader for each of the teams on our squad. To be honest, the prideful part of me wanted to be a leader. I had been in leadership positions for many years, and I thought it would make sense for me to continue. I believed I would make a good leader. Yeah, until I got to training camp.
Never mind, no I don't.
When I arrived at camp, I was absolutely out of my comfort zone. I'm not so good with meeting new people, so 50 new people on my squad was somewhat overwhelming. Somewhat? More like completely. After spending a few days at camp, I realized I was absolutely unfit to be a leader. I understood that I had so many things to learn about myself and God, and I couldn't do that while also leading people.
Be careful what you pray for.
Tuesday of my week at camp, we had a service of worship during the afternoon. During this time, I was literally crying out to God about leadership. I knew they wouldn't ask me to be a leader, because I had done absolutely nothing to stand out as a leader. I hadn't taken control of any situations, I hadn't tried to be ubber spiritual, I hadn't even talked to a lot of people on my squad. I was relieved that I hadn't tried to stand out, but I was also asking God to prepare my heart to not be in leadership anymore. I knew it would be a struggle. At the end of my prayer, I told God that I would do whatever He asked, no matter what it was. Just left the door wide open, that's always fun.
An hour later, my squad and I were washing dishes outside after lunch. The squad leader pulled me aside and said she needed to talk to me about something. O dear. My heart sank, because I just knew they were going to send me home, that I wasn't a good fit for the race. A few minutes later, they told me they wanted me and two other squadmates to lead a camp out for our squad. We were in charge of getting there, food, shelter, everything. What? I wasn't ready for that. I didn't even know most of my squadmates, and now I was being asked to lead them in something I knew nothing about?
The shelter our squad built during the camp out at training camp.
After a series of events, I was asked to be a team leader at the end of the week. They told us we had about six minutes to pray about it and see what God wanted us to do. As I walked out to pray, the Lord reminded me of my prayer from earlier in the week. You know, the one where I said I would do whatever He asked? Yeah, be careful what you pray for. I knew that this was what He wanted me to do, even though every part of me was saying no. Learning obedience seems to be a theme for me during this race, so I said yes.
I'm not ready.
Even though I have been in leadership positions before, this is not the same. I feel overwhelmed. I feel unworthy. I feel so under qualified. In spite of these things, I know the Lord is faithful. I know He has me doing this for a purpose, even though I may not be able to see it yet. Something God has been reminding me of lately is that He does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
Will you trust that Christ will equip you for whatever He asks, no matter what it is, how hard it seems, or how under qualified you think you are?
Be on the look out for my next blog, where I'll dive into my struggle of carrying others' burdens. Fun, light stuff right? 🙂
