“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
– Marilyn Monroe
I love this. As a perfectionist it’s a weight lifted off to realize that though I may work towards perfection I am still a mess. I am someone who will mess up again and again no matter how much I try to avoid it and I can’t control everything. I stop there a lot though at the “I’m a mess” part instead of acknowledging that I have a lot to offer as well, and others don’t often get to see that, because I’m so worried about the mess that I don’t let them in.
If we could just properly evaluate the situation, regardless of how we necessarily “feel” all the time we would be a lot more decisive and less fearful in life direction decisions and relationships. We need to be able to step back and stop being our own worst critic and see from a different perspective.
As I was jogging this week I realized the weight of my distrust and fear in relationships comes not from distrusting others, but myself. I’m not afraid of others hurting me, but that I will hurt them. I’m not hesitant about making a mistake and failing for myself, but because I feel like I will let down others, specifically God. This week God laughed at me- In the best, “I’m your Father and it’s funny to me just how much you don’t understand” kind of way.
More often than not I have made decisions based on my past failures, circumstances and what I have seen in the people around me, instead of basing them on truth. Relationships for example. It’s shocking how many of the intern class here come from broken families and have a skewed perception of marriage, because of it. My family has walked through plenty of brokenness and continues to even now. For a long time I was put off by marriage- I didn’t want any part of it, because of what I had seen in the relationships surrounding me. Then I had relationships here and there- not many that were healthy- and my perception became even more jaded to the point where anything that seemed like a real relationship I pushed away, because I believed it was doomed to end up like the others I knew.
People change.
Spouses stop fighting for each other and start fighting with each other. Sometimes husbands cheat on their wives. Sometimes wives cheat on their husbands. There is fighting because of children, for children or towards the children. There is stress about money, about jobs, about kids, about where you will live, about habits, and anything else in between. A lot of the time there are hurtful words and sadly sex can turn from something that brings life to something that is used as a bribe. Couples turn from lives intertwined to co-habitation. People separate. Sometimes they get divorced. There is a lot that can go wrong when two messed up people get together. There’s a lot that can go wrong when two seemingly perfect people get together.
These are the facts that I have based most of my relationship decision making on. Even when I’ve know couples that have amazing, beautiful marriages it’s a lot easier to believe the lies and discouragement of hell than the truths of heaven.
When Herman Haan came to teach us for the week he said, “How dare you judge, slander and dislike one of God’s beautiful creations.” I of course thought he was talking about our view towards others and began scribbling notes. As he stared at the person in front of him I realized where he was going. “When you criticize and can’t accept yourself. When you are insecure and don’t believe in yourself, that’s what you’re doing. God is for you. He believes in you. He loves who you are. Why don’t you love yourself?”
Jogging this week God spoke to me by reminding me of Herman’s words. This time it was about trust though. He said, “Rachael, I trust you to make decisions. I trust you to be in relationship with other people. Why don’t you trust yourself? It’s always going to be messy, but I’m a lot bigger than that if you keep me in it.” And with salty sweat and tears running down my face I realized that God really is for me. I hope you realize that He is for you too. I hope you see how much he gives you honor by trusting you with decisions. I hope you see that He loves when you are in relationship with other people and that your mistakes aren’t too big for his Grace. I hope you can let go of the things from your past so that you can grab onto the hope of what lies ahead.
I hope you can see how God smiles on you, how he rejoices over marriage and all he intended for it and make your decisions walking towards those truths and that HOPE instead of being held down by your past or the brokenness that is all around you. I’m not saying it will be easy, but you have a God who believes in you, who will fight for you and who loves you no matter the outcome. I hope you’ll venture out with me.
I hope that if you’re like me you’ll take off the imaginary bombs you’ve imagined are tied to your chest- ready to explode and hurt others who get close to you and breathe easy knowing that you’re not going to hurt anyone. Instead, you may be able to love someone really well, knowing that you are loved.
We’ve all got baggage we’ve been dragging around full of chapters in our life we’d love to re-write, but it’s time to leave that old suitcase behind and start on a new adventure- no guarantees, but full of HOPE. Otherwise you can keep lugging it around with the guarantee it will always be holding you back.
