ME- January 2011 ME- November 2011
James 1:23-24
I will not walk away from the word. I will not forget who the Lord has made me. Even though I feel misplaced….
I’ve been in the US for 5 days now and I still feel like a stranger. I arrived home and the feeling is hard to peg. I am excited being with friends and family, but also am missing the friends and family I left behind.
I took a shower in the same shower I did before I left, and it felt the same as any hotel or hostel I have stayed in this year. I weighed myself and it was exactly the same as when I left the race, 156.4. How is that possible? I stared at myself in the mirror and asked, Did I even leave? Was it all a dream? Everything looks the same, but yet is different.
I shook my head, and had a chat with myself. I left. I am no longer the same. I just went around the world with forty-eight strangers chasing after God’s heart. And I came home with not strangers, but family and a relationship with the Lord. When I look in the mirror there is nothing the same. I look different, act different, feel different, think different. I am different. But everything around me is trying to convince me otherwise.
Although life now feels like it has momentarily frozen, and I have just awoken from a dream, everyone else has continued living. Despite the small attempts to explain what the Lord wrecked and rebuilt and wrecked again in me this year I cannot truly find the words. It is best told, lived. I know the Lord has a reason for everything he brought me and my squad through this year, only to bring us right back to the beginning.
So here I am back at the beginning, but it’s like I got a time warp and although it is the same situation, I get to live it differently. A little wiser, stronger, and with a little more flare. Most importantly being able to look to the Lord, instead of myself and see if the outcome is any different. I can guarantee you it will be. Will I still mess up? For sure. But will people see in my beautiful brokenness the Relentless Love of my Savior. Absolutely. If I came home with everything together what fun would that be? All year I have had to make the choice to choose him and now is no different. Now is no different than when I didn’t understand my team. Now is no different than when I didn’t understand unanswered prayers. Now is no different than when our countries changed and I was frustrated, or when things happened at home that I could do nothing for but pray. Now is just another one of those opportunities to put my trust in the Lord, and let him work it out for his glory and have my eyes open to see the beauty. It has been what he has been trying to teach me all year; To trust him.
What do I have to show for it, putting my trust in him? Those strangers I started the year with, the people most difficult to be with-some of my closest friends, and people I now cannot live without. Those countries I didn’t understand why we were going to, I have amazing testimonies, moves of God, and people’s lives I would have never been a part of. Prayers unanswered- Thank God, because I didn’t know what I was asking in the moment, and also he may not have answered in my way, but man I couldn’t have done it even remotely better. And those times when there was nothing I could do for people at home, but pray, the Lord taught me not to worry, and he also showed me his mercy. I got to sit beside my grandmother at the rehab center yesterday and listen to her talk about her roommate who had just left in a huff, and hold her hand and pray over her before I left. All things that I had no control over, and had to release to him that he has made beautiful and new.
Today is one of those days that I need to trust him, and tomorrow and the next day, because I will not let the enemy rob me of today being the best day I ever lived. Whether I am in Kenya, or Cambodia, or the US or good ol’ Canada I will be open for the Lord to move in new ways, to speak, and to transform me along with the people and places around me. I’m not sure what these next several weeks hold, but I trust my God. I trust that he is always faithful, even when we are not ( 2 Tim 2:13) and that his plans truly are to prosper, not to harm. I do not want to second guess that. He has proven himself faithful time and time again. It’s about time I started trusting Him.
SO pray for me to get off the couch, even when sometimes I want to sleep all day, because I don’t know what to do with myself. Pray for my family to feel well loved, because my heart is exploding for them, even if I don’t know how to show them right now. Pray that I will press through the writing block, because one thing the Lord has been clear about is that I am supposed to write. And pray that my ears are open to His direction and His promptings, not just for the future, but the everyday. Thanks to everyone who helped make this year possible for me, for your support, prayers, and just reading my blog. It has forever changed who I am, and hopefully had an impact on your life as well. I promise to keep posting, as I seek after the Father’s heart. It may be a scattered, unorthodox journey, but I can guarantee you it will be a beautiful and interesting journey none the less. Peace
Rachael
