I am so prone to think in big ways, desiring explosive results from the way I live my life, but never matching this desire with action. I sometimes follow a romanticized version of life, imagining a lot of good happening with a lot of Hollywood influence. I want mother Theresa results with my life, a revolution that altars history. So much good couldn’t be so bad, could it? What if I want it only for the sake of the kingdom, for the glory of God to be known? Not a bad motive to the untrained eye. But something is surely wrong. A mass production of good carried to the altar is equal to a mangled goat of Israel given as an offering. Bringing the best was never good enough. It didn’t work for Israel and it surely can’t work for my life. No, there’s grace to be had now. A gift that showers the infested heart and turns it solid gold. I’ve only found myself to be a recipient of this gift, nothing more. There’s nothing particularly interesting, talented, or even good about me. My life is flooded by selfishness, yet I always find myself with a clean heart. And while my mind is mesmerized by this genuine desire to see big things happen in the world in order for people to see Jesus for who he is (that’s good), I fail to produce something real from those desires (not so good). I’m incredibly afraid of failure all of a sudden. Sometimes I’m sure that all I’ve hoped for will be pulled out from under my feet. Assurance is sliding from my grasp now that my desire for India cannot be sustained by mere imagination. It’s not my dream or my vision to be cast, none of this belongs to me. My creepy pretend utopia for my life will never work out. Somewhat because I’m far too lazy to make myself half the woman I want to be, but also just because goodness is never a product of human aspirations. It needs to be known that the only reason this is happening is due to His faithfulness, not my own. I’m in a place where wisdom is telling me “no” and Jesus is insisting, “yes”. But I’m called. Are you hearing me? Called. Not because of skill and definitely not because of boldness, I’m such a coward. I’m not courageous or noble or ambitious. I’m only called. That’s it. That’s all I have. But I believe that the Lord equips the called; that he’s devoted to His vision and not my revolting daydreams of valor and triumph. Thankfully he has a plan that has always promised to be more than I could ask or imagine. His story has unraveled through time as the most famous tale of selfless love that has literally taken up residence in people’s hearts. My mind has been swept away by stories that astonish me, without realizing that the most stunning story in history is what my life has become a part of.
