The race for me has been different than what I expected.
Before the race, I was expecting this year to have my life completely turned upside down. I wanted to be challenged, broken, changed, dead to all that is of me, and live a life of complete sacrifice.
God has answered my prayers, but in ways I didn’t expect.
At training camp, one of the trainers came up to me during a time of prayer and said, “I feel like God is going to show you His love this year.”
What does that really mean?
At training camp and launch, I felt so unsure of my place on the squad. I didn’t really connect with anyone. Really, the only thing that was keeping me on the race was that I knew this was where I was supposed to be.
I wanted this year to be different, so I knew I had to make different choices. The very first morning with my team in Guatemala, I shared with them my heart and where I was at. It was hard, but necessary. That night, we all shared a bit of our ‘junk’ with each other. We talked, listened, cried, prayed, and worshipped together. I felt I began to walk into a new place of freedom.
I began to feel what it means to have true freedom, joy, and peace. I felt so much peace that it scared me. I began to think, “When will this end? When will the brokenness, the trials, the valleys, the uprooting take place again?” I began to fear I’m not growing and pushing into God because I wasn’t in a place of a desperation and desert.
LIE #1: Growth only comes in the desert.
I have realized on the race that I have been fearful of times of peace and joy because I didn’t want to be in a place of complacency. Yes, God says there will be times of trials, dying to our flesh, and taking up our cross. But doesn’t He also say that we will have Life to the fullest? Isn’t He Love? Good? And shouldn’t we live in the fruit of the Spirit?
I have been living most of my life letting go of what is good from God so I can hold onto the hard and broken things, because that is where I felt was the only place of growth.
But I’ve missed out on the growth in the times of His goodness, His peace, His joy, and His love.
So most of my race has been a time of growing in His fullness.
I have been learning what it means to truly be a daughter of my Father.
I have been learning what it truly means to know, receive, and to give of His love.
I have also made some of the most amazing friends. I have been so blessed by God to be surrounded by my D squad-mates.
And God has been blowing my mind with connections with people with kindred spirits that has given me confirmation and more of a vision on what I feel called to do after the race.
…And through all this, I have been growing in understanding God’s character, love, and being challenged to live in His peace always.
And then this past week happened.
With all what I just wrote about, I began again to worry when all this would come to an end? When will these friendships end, like it’s always happened in the past? When will brokenness come in, like it has always happened before? When will joy be taken away, things fall through, and I’m left all alone with just God, like it has always happened in the past?
Lie #2: Just because it has been true to your experience before, doesn’t mean it’s Truth.
I’ve realized that I was relying on past experiences and claimed that as truth rather than continually trusting in God with who He is.
Times of brokenness have been needed and good in the past, but letting go of what God is wanting to do now and focusing on the past is where I am missing Him in the now.
I began to worry that all this will end, so I began to hold onto these gifts from Him. I didn’t want to let them go, so I began to hold on all the more tightly.
Lie #3: The gifts are the same or better than the Giver.
My focus began to shift to look at the gifts rather than keep my eyes on the Giver.
I started to clinch my fists in hopes I can hold onto His gifts a little bit longer.
But when I did, I wasn’t living in joy and freedom. I was looking through the gifts with a filter of doubt and insecurities. I was missing out on gifts of His love, friendships, freedom, joy, and peace because I was looking solely at them rather than seeing why He has placed them in my life right now.
Why hold onto gifts out of fear, insecurities, and worry? There’s no life in that.
So I choose to trust, trust, and trust. I choose to live open-handed with everything. I choose to freely receive and freely give—in times of joy and fullness, and in times of brokenness and feeling I’m in a desert. He is still good and He is true to His character. Always.
Everything comes to Him, from Him, and through Him (Romans 11:36).
It’s been a challenging and changing year so far for me. Not in ways I wanted, but in ways I needed.
