This is long, so bear with me. Essentially this is three separate themes in one.
I woke up way too early again. This time at 3am. I lay there in the comfy bed and try to go to sleep, but I can’t. No counting sheep this time. It never works anyway.
It must be time to pray. Upon further inspection, from what I can gather as I scrape the sleep from my eyes, “of course!” God is answering yet another prayer. Like He usually does, He answers me not how I thought He would.
God, I want solitude with You. To be content just sitting in Your presence.
Three things: I either have the worst jet-lag ever, I now am afflicted with insomnia, or God is serious about my relationship with Him.
I think the latter, maybe with a little bit of sleep disorder mixed in.
I try to drift off to sleep again as I pray for my family, my friends and for things I am seeking His face on. I worship Him. I read more in Judges and I still understand almost nothing in that book. Maybe it’s because it is 4am, probably not though.
I try everything else except solitude. It didn’t hit me until after I showered, got dressed for church (which is 5 hours from now btw), and journaled. God is calling me to the throne room. He wants me to rest in His presence. He answers my request by waking me up at the most awkward of times.
I don’t want it though. I don’t want to sit in His presence, I don’t want to be still and to wait on Him. I lack patience, I don’t have any trust. I lay in that bed ashamed of the state of my heart.
I don’t want these things because they aren’t easy. To get up and just sit before God is hard. To not speak. To just simply “receive.” I’m afraid. What if He doesn’t show up? Am I doing something wrong? Does He care?
My soul craves this intimacy with the Almighty, but it is not the straight and narrow. The path that leads there is tough. It is not easy. This road is ugly, it is dark, it is scary. I’m not going to wake up one morning closer to God just because I willed myself there. My ‘best life now’ doesn’t work when I don’t even care about God. Things don’t happen that way with actual faith in a real and literal God. If I was worshiping stupid idols then I could explain all this away. I’d pray a couple times, light some candles, put some food in front of my shiny new idol and *voila* I have encountered this “deity” that looks like a fat guy, or possibly a creepy cat warrior. Maybe I would feel better after all those things, but that is ridiculous. I don’t want to “feel better” because I conjured them up for myself and I did all the “right” things. I want to be encountered.
God wants your heart. He wants you. Why? I don’t know. “Because He loves you” sometimes isn’t good enough. Good news, He also likes you. That’s why. God not only loves you, but He puts up with all your bad things, all your false reasons you do your good things, and not to mention all your sin and transgressions that are against Him. He loves you that much.
My faith is in Jesus Christ. I believe that He died for my sins. I trust that He rose from the grave and was proven to be the perfect substitute for me. I will not be judged for my sin, because He took it. I will not face eternal separation because He paid the bills. Jesus loves me, for some reason, and that is really really good news.
So not like all my brothers and sisters around the world who do worship worthless idols, my faith is in a tangible, real, God. This God showed me His undying love by dying for me! He came and lived in the filth of this place to pave the way for the sons and daughters of God to come home. He didn’t leave us alone either. Upon leaving, the Christ promised a helper, a counselor. Once again, God promises Himself. He rests in believers, the Holy Spirit is our promised seal. We, the adopted sons and daughters have this promise of that adoption. How do I know that I have the Holy Spirit in me? Faith. There is no other explanation for why my trust, hope and faith is in Jesus the Messiah, other than the truth that that truth was placed inside my heart by God Himself, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to the glory of God the Father. I just went theological on all of us, but it’s ok. Prayerfully sit on the first couple chapters of Ephesians and have your mind blown.
And like Jesus, I want to sit in the presence of that “One” who has saved me from death. I want to experience the Almighty. Less than that, I want to know why Jesus got away from all of His friends so often!
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He is calling me home. He wants me to just sit. I don’t know what to pray. So I finally just sit.
God must be on to something. The silence in this house is tranquil. The darkness envelops me. I think He knows a bit or two about solitude. His Son was really good at seeking the still, quiet rest that the Father always provides. I want to love the Father that much, to just sit alone with Him not saying a word and being content with that, to be joyful in those moments of nothing.
It is in this stillness, in this quiet that I know the presence of God. His Holy Spirit resides in me, and when all the distractions are gone, I actually “know” this to be true.
I’m not good at solitude. I feel uncomfortable being quiet, sitting alone in darkness. I don’t know what to think and I’m not totally sure I should be thinking anything. Maybe a clean slate, a sort of ‘tabula rasa’ thing should happen. I don’t know. All I know is what He says. His steadfast love never ceases, His mercies never come to an end and they are new every morning. If that is true, then getting up at 3am does not sound so bad.
So I am thankful. Thankful for restless nights. Thankful for those little nudges to go before the King. Immensely thankful that the God of all things would whisper me awake from my dreams to say, “Seek my face.”
May my heart always respond, “Your face Lord, do I seek.”
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Some of you may know, and maybe others of you realized it as you read this, I am home now. Back in Dallas, Texas.
There was a restlessness in my being for a while that I didn’t notice or even begin to discern until last week.
Just five days ago I was asleep on the floor of a dirty and lonely airport in Africa.
The longing in my heart was from God. He had been calling me home to Dallas for a while. Don’t think I jumped at the chance to leave the Race. I would love to get more stamps on my passport, see cool places, globe-hop and be with all these new friends. But I can’t do that if God wants me somewhere else. To stay would be selfish, and I don’t want to waste my time with those things anyway.
He has called me to my city. He has called me to my family. Maybe to the ones who don’t know Him and have never heard of His Son, or perhaps to those who do know the gospel and love him but jaded and forgotten by the church. I don’t need to know all the details- I don’t really care if I know one iota from Him. I just need to go where He tells me, I have to be obedient to His call despite my complete understanding of it.
Lately He calls me to wake up reaaalllly early and just sit with Him. I finally listened this morning. I don’t know specifics, like job or school- things like that. But I do know that organically, I want to be a light in this place.
God says that “It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Thank the LORD that I’m not afraid of this murkiness, and I am not weary of the uncertainty.
This lifestyle will piss people off, it may put people off and it most definitely does not win friends or influence others. But I am not looking for the approval of man. After already being approved by God in and through Christ Jesus, my Lord, I don’t need to be liked or to be revered in the slightest. I would actually start to question what I’m doing if everyone does like me. We can’t forget these words, “Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword.” Jesus is truth. Those who are not enlightened by the truth will disagree and hate Him by default. I’m not trying to “friend” everyone, I don’t care to be buddy-buddy with all people. My task is to bear the Light. I have to proclaim the gospel and speak His Words. Lots of people disagree with those Words and hate Christ. I do not want to be a friend of the world.
Sadly, there are those who will disagree and say you made the wrong choices in life, that you will regret certain decisions. Yes, they have their place and I can be thankful for their ‘wisdom’ (even if it is disguised in trite concern).
But I propose that we respond better. Can’t we trust that someone’s walk with the LORD will look different from ours? Can we trust that God’s plan is bigger than our foolish little ideas? Is not the better response the one of blessing and not curses?
Thank you, Pastor Chandler for speaking truth. I echo his words when he says that the only comparison to be done in the Christian’s life is when we look at someone else, see their faith, and then we desire their zeal and passion for the LORD. We should never compare spiritual gifts, and we most definitely should not look down on others’ ministry fields.
If I am seeking His face, worshiping the LORD, delighting in His presence, having my affections stirred for Him and walking in repentance, can’t you simply say- “Go in peace to love and serve the LORD.”?
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My desire is to reflect the glory that emanates from the face of God. I long to proclaim His Name and to see the captives freed. I want so much to bring His love to the broken and forgotten.
So why am I home? Short answer, because God wants me here. Longer version, because God is weaving a tapestry bigger than my mind in this city that has redemption, freedom, healing and worship of His Name knit into the fabric. And I believe that all of this will be championed by families. Families that are redeemed will light this city on fire for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. That is why I am home. My dream and hope is that my family will spearhead this movement to love the LORD GOD with all their heart, soul and mind and that they would speak the Gospel of Jesus with all boldness and stoutheartedness. With the blessing and help of God, I will see this happen, for the glory due His Name.
Right now I find so much peace in Moses’ prayer over his people, Israel. Moses is still leading this stubborn and rebellious bunch. That cannot be easy. I am both blessed and encouraged by Moses’ faith. He trusts in the LORD GOD and seeks His face. Moses later requests an encounter with the Almighty and God obliges by passing in front of Him! Amazing stuff. His prayer gives me peace and I set it up before me during these next few weeks, months and years.
Exodus 33:14-16
First God says, “My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”
And [Moses] said to him, “If your presence will not go with me, do not bring us up from here. For how shall it be known that I have found favor in your sight, I and your people? Is it not in your going with us so that we are distinct, I and your people, from every other people on the face of the earth?”
The promised seal is upon us as believers in Christ. We are the “distinct” ones. Marked by God, set apart by Him. It is time to accept that we look different than the world. We live in this place, but we are not from it. We come from God and now is our time to point back to Him, to grab those souls with the help of the Holy Spirit, to thrust them to the foot of the cross and to worship God together.
Redemption is coming very soon for this family, for my city and for this nation. I am both blessed and excited to be called into His plan of redemption. To be a vessel of His love and grace, to be a road sign pointing up to God.
Let’s go Lord.
