For some reason struggle with “a thorn in my flesh.” God has not taken it away, I believe because it causes me to be more humble and to trust Him more, while it also urges me to throw myself upon the cross again and again. I sometimes doubt my salvation and wonder if God is speaking about me when the Bible talks about the Redeemed Sons of God, or when God talks about His people. I get really scared and it is a paralyzing, debilitating fear. I told my team last monday and was in tears and was shaking because of how tired I am of fighting and how exhausted I am from waging war in my mind with the doubt and fear.
Like I said, the fear and unbelief that surrounds me makes me turn back to God again and again. I go through Romans and look in Ephesians and see that salvation is not my doing. It is God who has saved me, He did it all- I am a passive agent in the salvation process. God saved me, He gave me the faith to believe! I read this Psalm this morning.
"Let this be recorded for a generation to come, so that a people yet to be created may praise the LORD: that he looked down from his holy height; from heaven the LORD looked at the earth, to hear the groans of the prisoners, to set free those who were doomed to die, that they may declare in Zion the name of the LORD, and in Jerusalem his praise, when the peoples gather together, and kingdoms, to worship the LORD." -Psalm 102:18-22
I do confess and believe and trust in Jesus Christ as the Savior of the world and the Lover of my soul. I know that God loves me and that he chose to buy me back and rescue me from His just wrath. I have no doubt that I believe in my heart that Jesus is Lord and that He has given me His Spirit as the promised seal of my salvation.
"By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. So we have come to know and to believe the love the Father has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him." -1 John 4:13-16
As a missionary, I still struggle with this strange fear and doubt at times. I hate it. It is no fun at all. But it is my portion from the Father for right now, however long this season is. He allows me to go through this faith battle. It makes me humble, it makes me turn to Him again and again. So I am thankful. Thankful that God walks with us through the storm, He doesn't become a "bridge over the troubled waters" no, our Awesome God walks with us through the storm and the fire. He is with us! Ever faithful, ever present, ever loving.
So don't fear when fear comes. Turn back to the One who has your heart and soul secure in His loving arms.
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From my journal dated November 11, 2012.
Today I feared. Today I doubted my salvation.
This is not a new occurrence, nor are its effects foreign to me.
A debilitating fear. A broken spirit. A sorrowful heart.
I cry out to God, who says He is my salvation. I throw myself at His feet again.
Jesus, Jesus, am I in the family? Have You rescued me? Do I have Your Spirit, the Promised Seal?
My soul is downcast and my heart is humble.
I know that God is my salvation, Jesus is the One who saved me.
The Spirit has blessed me with the gift of belief in God the Father, God the Son and God the Spirit.
So I confess again and again that Jesus is Lord. I believe in my heart that God raised Him from the dead. Christ is Lord, Jesus is the Christ. Salvation is found in no other name than the Name that is above every name. That Name is Jesus.
*LORD GOD help me with unbelief. I don't want to fear my assurance. You love me. Please hold me through this storm. Take the thorn away if it is Your will to do so. May I learn to kiss the waves that throw me upon the Rock of Ages. If it is not Your will to take this thorn away, Lord, draw me closer to You, please. Please, let Your face shine upon me that I might be saved. Lift up Your countenance upon me. You are my portion, may I look toward the prize. I long to gaze into Your eyes. I love You, LORD, Jesus, my King. I want to love You, Lord, my great reward.
I love You, Lord, Jesus, my King. Hold me fast. Bind my wandering heart to Thee. Keep me from willful sins. Cleanse me of iniquity and renew a right spirit within me. Cleanse my hands, please, and purify my dirty heart. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Search my heart and know all my anxious thoughts, test me and see if there be any grievous or offensive way in me. Lead me in the way everlasting, in the shadow of Your cross, Lord.*
