So let me just start by saying I AM A BEAUTIFUL MESS!
This blog update is to let all of you know what is really
happening with me on this expedition around the world.
It hasn’t even been 3 weeks on the race, and God is bringing
out all of my junk. There is something so unique about this opportunity to
travel to 11 countries seeking after God, it is called community. What is
community you ask, well basically, it means I get to share this experience with
5 amazing people for the 11 months ahead of me. I have learned so much about
myself already by being in close relationship with my team. We have all been
vulnerable with each other and shared a lot about past hurts, false identity
that has been spoken into our lives, and junk that we have buried deep inside
hoping to never discover again. You see there is a big problem with burying our
junk because at some point it always comes back up to the surface.
Since I landed in India it has been a real struggle for me. I
have been fighting a lot of spiritual battles within myself. I have never
experienced community like I have on the race. I have found just how easy it is
to put up walls, and lie about my true conditions. I have a lot of baggage that
I have brought with me on this journey, and God is slowly pulling it all out.
Hollis and Noe our squad leaders made it very plain early on: we can choose to
be comfortable all year and breeze through the next 11 months, or we can choose
to be vulnerable, and open about all the junk in our lives that has held us
back for so long. As for the challenge Nollis gave us, I have chosen to walk
down the path less chosen. I have decided for myself to be vulnerable, and open,
to give God all of my junk.
Today for the first time in my life I was open and honest
with myself, I had to take today off to be with God and let him have all of my
junk. I dug into the deepest roots of my sin, baggage, and false identity and
literally wrote it all down in my journal. I wrote for about 2 hours at least,
I believe I wrote God the novel he has been anticipating to read. I found a lot
of stuff inside of me that I did not like, one being that in a lot of
situations where I played the victim mentality I was in fact the provoker. I
was the one allowing all of the sin into my life and feeding its fire. It is
not easy to admit the hard stuff to yourself.
During my time of writing I felt the devil standing over my
shoulder whispering into my ear: oh don’t write that down that is to ugly, or
he would try to convince me that a lot of the crap in my life didn’t really
happen. I found myself having to constantly give God all of the baggage, the sin,
and all of the hurts and lies that were tormenting me. It was a rough journey
with the Lord today, but when I finished writing everything down I instantly
felt peace about the process God had just taken me through. I could hear God
speaking telling me “Philip, it is ok to move on”, and with all honesty I have
never felt that peace before.
The difference in what I did today and what I have done in
the past is that, in past I only gave God the details I wanted to give him. This
time I gave him every raw detail just as it was in all of its filth. I was real
with myself for the first time in my life. I didn’t think about what people
would have told me to do, or write. I simply had one on one with God and said
here it is Lord, it’s ugly and it hurts like hell, but take it.
Now you might be
thinking, Philip you make it sound like you are really screwed up… well it feels
good to say that I am a beautiful mess, and God is working on me.
I have an amazing 11 months ahead of me. I have so much
growth that the Lord wants me to step in and I can’t wait to receive it in its
rightful time.
I pray that as you read this you feel my heart. This blog is
about vulnerability to all of its readers. I am learning to not be the Christian
with the happy face, but rather to embrace the mess I am and let God have
complete control.
