This is the story of a war… of endless battles, won and lost. Its about smiles and cries and trying to become what I desire. Its about the war against fear, or lies, or doubts that wait like lions, waiting to devour us around every corner.
This is the story of a battle from my war.
text message: received yesterday @ 6:05pm
Message read: “How is it?”…….I thought to myself, “I dont have enough words to describe the favor i feel from God. Im different from the old me and I believe that he has something big for me to do for his Kingdom.” and then… it happened…”I thought “man I hope Im not missing signals, or what if this isn’t real?”
Seems simple right? When you look back, the beginnings of a horrific war are rarely traced. You hear men talking in a coffee shop years later and they say things like, “its started when so and so…..” or “no,no,no. it was when whats his name….”
So yesterday at 6:05 Haitian time, the battle began with a text message. It was at that moment that darkness attacked during a joyful exchange between two people seeking The Lord.
Evil struck a subtle blow before I ever knew what hit me. Just as you’d expect, it was a cheap shot when I wasn’t looking. I don’t know why I’d expect any different but I realize now how the best of things can be flipped on us in an instant.
8:05 pm
That text message translated in my head to things like….
You dont have strength to do it…
What makes you think He’d choose you….
In what world could you make a difference…..
So i leave the impromptu prom/dance our party planning committee had put together. 48 people just acting a fool. Dance party… Haitian style. Something you dont wanna miss, but I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
8:30-9:00 pm
I blow up on a few people who check on me. They recognize im not right.
My response….”theres nothing wrong with me, except for the fact, people keep asking me whats wrong with me!!!!!”
Meanwhile between my ears…..
“Theres nothing wrong with me, people just need to mind there owning *^$%ing business.” …. “Im a strong guy, I don’t have doubts.” Other people get attacked spiritually and emotionally but not me.” Im above all that.”
Also resinating in my head….”Im supposed to be a leader. What happens when they realize what a mess I am?….. I better get my act together before the morning comes. Oh, and in the meantime, i need to retreat off on my own where nobody can see what Im going through.”
oh and all the while……
“I wish they’d just leave me the #$^& alone. ” echoing in my head.
11:05 pm
I just need to get to bed… I’ll get in my hammock, away from all these people who don’t understand that I just need some space. Nothings wrong, Im just not into hanging out with them. (lies,lies,lies!!!)
The voices echo…..
You should just give up when you get a chance…..
End it all at the next opportunity….
See, I told you, you couldn’t change…
It’ll be easier when you just stop trying…
11:30 pm
I’ll just watch a movie to escape this like its not happening. Maybe it will go away. Maybe I can just fall asleep and tomorrow I can cover it back up and people wont remember and we wont have to talk about it if I just don’t mention it and change the subject. No one will ever know.
“Hold up”… glimmer of hope… I think to myself, man these are lies and fears echoing in my head. Why is this happening, where is this stuff coming from. I remember walking through this long ago! I used to live like this… I lived in fear for years but NO MORE! I don’t think like this…This is not of God and this is not of Me!!!!
11:45 pm
So since the race started I dont close my eyes without prayer…. So this is what I start my prayer with….” God, this shit in my head is a bunch of lies. You gotta help me out of this because Im not thinking it and I dont know how to get it to leave. I really dont know whats going on inside me but something is wrong. Im begging you to help me out here. And man, I was a real asshole to a few people tonight. Please don’t let my behavior effect them…..and so on.
I fall asleep somewhere in mid prayer. You get the idea.
6:30 am
Wide awake… crap….voices are still there but they arent as loud. Last thing I want to do is go to breakfast with 47 other people, let alone Church. Oh, and Im supposed to speak at worship tomorrow night…..I think i can get out of that though and maybe Church too.
current voice….
“i just need to be alone”
“Dont make eye contact with anyone.”
7:15 am
At breakfast….still in the fight….
Dont sit next to anyone…they can hear your thoughts, they’re gonna ask you questions and you might have to actually express a real feeling. Thats terrifying.
meanwhile the voices……
…..They dont care about how you feel anyway
…..go sit by yourself
….maybe you can skip church
…you read your bible every morning…take a break today….you deserve it
…you should just go back to sleep…that’ll make things better.
7:30 am
something stirs inside me….. I reluctantly pick up my bible and head up the stairs. Get to the rooftop and see a dozen others spending time in scripture.
It takes me 10 minutes of just laying on a bench before I can open my travel size Bible….I flip through, letting the highlighter colors distract me. I clean out my journal of tattered pages and look at notes people have left me. I look for any reason not to open the pages. “Am I enjoying the sorrow?”
A new voice enters…
“Enough!”
“Get over yourself!”
“Im right here, waiting for you”
Finally the bible opens. Been reading psalms everyday, so thats where we went. For those of you wondering, it wouldn’t have mattered where I turned. Just open it…. The pages will lead you to the truth.
There is only one scripture and there is no power greater than the truth.
And evil stopped to reconsider when it saw the scripture it was about to wrestle with…. the battle had been won.
I did nothing but admit that I was finished and begged God to rescue me. He took it from there and I was free to pick my head back up.
Psalms 51-56 for all of you who need the deets. ; )
All the while, God was putting people in front of me that I needed to apologize too. I’d read a few verses and someone would walk by so i’d pause and walk up… But instead of being irritated with me….they just wanted to help. They asked to pray for me and came and sat by me, and said things like…”I just wanted to check on you, because that wasn’t you last night. I hope someone would check on me in those moments.” Thank you to all of you who refused to let me go.
9:30 am
In the church pew next to my bros and we are surrounded by little Haitians playing peek-a-boo and holding out a hand for us to squeeze. You think you’re loving on them at first, but its the other way around most of the time. God’s sneaky like that.
And I start to write, while the message is delivered in Creole, and I cant get my pen to go fast enough. If I’m feeling these attacks, how many others are in this with me. And the fear that was in me, turns to a fury. A fury against the evil that did this to me. A fire builds up inside me for those around me. We are the dangerous ones. Its the darkness that should fear me, because God is for me and those anywhere near me.
People, listen to me right now. I lived 18 years of my life being attacked by spiritual warfare but I never knew what it was till this moment. Im 30 now, and up until this point I called it insecurity and refused to admit it. Fear, doubts, and lies can be subtle and its easy to ignore them or tuck them away for a more convenient time. Or you can mask them with anger, pride, and achievements like I tried to. Nothing worked until I gave up and begged God for something more. I begged for something not of this world because nothing I could ever do would save me from the despair I felt and the death I looked forward to.
And this is why i race. World Race July route 1 (2014)
We tend to live our lives in the confines of fear… we worry, and we waste time, and we lose the ones we hold dearest. But God is for me and I shall not fear!
The devil will attack, but I will call on God and he will rescue me. And He will give me the strength to become what I desire.
Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
I share this because, it took me so long to realize the warfare that what was going on in my own life and how God is constantly chasing after each and everyone of us. Maybe you can learn or relate through my trials. I’m out here doing my best to serve God’s Kingdom but in the midst of holding babies and building houses, this trip is doing more for me and my future than I ever imagined.
Diffee-out
Never give up the ship. God is fighting for you.
