The way down from the top of my mountain…this World Race journey has had its peaks and valleys. From Montenegro, we went to Albania and soon after arriving I found myself sliding down the back side of the black mountain from the month before. When I have been up, the enemy has been waiting to bring me down. Spiritual warfare! Yes, certainly there have been moments of joy on this mission but there are times when I’ve not been thriving, it’s been something that looks more like thrashing. Living every aspect of my life publicly with an open invitation to constructive criticism has been enough to make my heart sick on multiple occasions. It’s been exhaustive to have the ugliest aspects of my personality brought into the light. The transitions, the travel, the community living, the physical strain, and the maintenance of meaningful relationships with loved ones at home has drained me. I only just realized how my masks I’ve had on to keep all of this from being exposed. I started taking them off, this blog helps with that. Without the masks I haven’t liked what I’ve seen, a woman in need of a lot of transforming. I’ve been undone this month and lacking confidence. I need prayer. In my story I have faced brokenness but with each trial I could recover from it on my own terms. There is nothing on your own terms on the World Race. I wish that I could attribute all of this to mid mission fatigue but its more than that.
Our first adventure on an off day was up a mountain to a cave, after exploring the cave our guide offered us a trip down the mountain to a beautiful river below. We were warned that the path was challenging, but not wanting to be separated from my team I started the descent. Soon after I was sliding down a steep, muddy, rocky path clinging onto tree roots to keep myself from free falling. After gripping a spiny branch that put a hole in my hand I lost my footing and fell for quite a distance, my hip hit a rock and my leg was up over my head in an unnatural position. This was terrifying. The rest of the way down I carried so much stress from the fear of falling again. I made it to the river but was traumatized and exhausted. For thirty minutes we enjoyed some refreshing water was that was not enough rest for the hours we had to hike back, I spontaneously bursted into tears many times. On the World Race it is a common expression to get in the river with Jesus. This description of my path to the river explains what the inside of my heart looks like right now. I’m weary, wounded and humiliated but trying to make it to the river to be with Him. It’s interesting how I’ve never felt farther from Jesus than on a mission for Him.
There have been times this month I have been barely hanging on while trying to pull myself up out of this valley, and that is no way to live in Christ. I’m simplifying some things, making my way back to my first love of God, studying peace and how to keep it, taking each World Race day one at a time. I am sharing this with you because you all are my prayer team and I need you. Thanks for loving me when there is not only beauty to share but the tough stuff too. Soon to come are the highlights of ministry this month and stories of how the Albanian people have been lifting my spirits!
