I grew up in a wonderful family. As a small child I knew the love and security that came from the unconditional love and acceptance of my parents. It came as a complete surprise when I began school and for the first time in my life encountered people that did not like me simply because of the way I looked. You see, I was the fat kid that everyone loved to call names. I was made fun of mercilessly by these kids from the time I began school until I was in high school. In fact, I did not have someone I considered a real friend until I was in middle school.
These events had a huge effect on shaping the way I viewed myself and everyone around me. I became a people pleaser without even realizing it. I had a huge desire in my heart for deep and meaningful relationships with others, but those relationships could only go so far because I was putting people in God’s place in my heart. God began speaking to me about this the very first month on the race. He revealed to me barriers I had put up in my heart that kept me from feeling his love as well as receiving the love of those around me. In short, I felt unworthy of love from anyone, especially myself. I realize now that God placed a lot of amazing people in my life. These people genuinely love me for me, but I did not know how to accept and feel that love for myself. I felt I had to work very hard to earn love from anyone, even God. I was loving out of my own strength and doing anything I could to feel worthy of love in return. I had all this knowledge in my head that God and others love me so I should love myself, but the problem was that it was only head knowledge. None of it actually reached my heart.
As we ended our time in Africa, God made it apparent to our squad leaders that it was time for a team change. In my heart, I guess I knew the change was coming, but I was so scared to give up these people I had been with since the beginning of the race. They knew my story. They knew my strengths and weaknesses. They pushed me to be a better person than I have ever been before. I had given my heart and soul to Agape and I was so scared I had nothing left to give to a new team. God knew that I had nothing left and that is why He made the change.
Almost from the beginning, I felt a difference when I was with my new team. Since I thought I had nothing left to give, I simply gave myself. We were basically the only English speaking people in the tiny village we were in for the month so we had lots of time to get to know one another. I shared from my heart and did the things that bring joy to me and to my surprise they also brought joy to my teammates.
I felt a love and acceptance from my new team unlike I had ever felt in my life, but something was still missing. I did not know how to feel the Father’s love for me and so I still felt unworthy of love, even from myself. In my head I knew God’s love for me but getting that knowledge from my head to my heart is something I have struggled with the entire race.
Toward the end of our time in Nepal our team took a trip to the Chinese border and a hot spring about three hours from where we were staying. As we were walking down the mountain from the border to the hot spring, we were all lost in our own thoughts. I was thinking if I can just lose 45 more pounds then I can say that I am pretty, and I can be confident because I will be a good size and not feel inferior anymore. These and so many more thoughts were running through my mind when suddenly I felt God say to me, “Stop saying all those things. You are my daughter and I love you just as you are. It does not matter if you lose 45 pounds or gain 60. I still love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. I have put people around you here and at home that love you. Now it is time to start loving yourself.” For the first time in my life this actually connected in my head and heart. As I realized this I got a huge smile on my face and actually began to skip down the mountain. Since that moment I have been walking in a new found confidence and love. This love comes from the Father and overflows to everyone around me. I don’t have to love in my own strength anymore! All I have to do is rest in Him and His love flows from the inside out to others simply by being myself and using the gifts He has given me!
