the eminent end of this race looms largely in my thoughts these days. what dwells the most i am unhappy to say are thoughts of regret and sadness of what could have been. lately i have been attacked by teammates as well as friends from home, in both simple and profound ways, but mostly by satan; this is certainly not a new phenomenon out here, it is just the intensity that seems different. so many things i thought about myself, particularly in relation to my character, have been shattered, sometimes by merely a simple word or look, whether real or imagined. being the contemplative person i am, this has fueled my thoughts into questions of who i really am at the core of my being. i cherish resolution, no matter what is called for to reach it. yet i feel fairly certain that i will walk away from this year misunderstood. i sense on a certain level that this was how it was designed to be, that yet again God has placed me in circumstances where i must choose and depend on Him only, and that i must come to a place of true peace and contentment in this. over and over again this year i have found myself led to read in psalms verses that challenge me to seek God as my only refuge, my strength, my rock. through all the chaotic dialogues in my head, there are moments when i am at rest long enough to hear this small voice, gently prodding me on:
‘let go’
‘keep trusting and follow Me’
‘you are fearfully and wonderfully made’
‘you are created in My image’
the sadder thing, i think, is that i believe this beautiful, loving voice of the Spirit, wholeheartedly. it aggravates me that i can so easily slip into confusion, and become entangled in the lies that satan flings at me. why my reactions are not firmly rooted in the truth and promises of Christ remains a great mystery to me. how can i have traveled the world these past ten months in ‘community’, experiencing unimaginable and often unspeakable situations, as the hands and feet of Jesus only to feel that it has all collapsed in pieces around me? in reality, i should not be surprised that this is where i find myself at this point – i am on that precipitous edge of returning to ‘normalcy’ as i once knew it. it is a daunting and frightening prospect, actually. i never want to be ‘normal’ again. i do not want to leave the simplicity of life i have found. i do not want to leave this achingly beautiful world filled with astonishing cultures of God’s children. so here i am, having come full circle it seems – i have nothing left but to cling to the hope of Jesus, to trust His words that tell me He is always enough, to the hope of one day hearing ‘well done my good and faithful servant’, but most of all, to the hope of one day gazing upon Christ and desiring nothing more. ever.
‘now I am quietly waiting for
the catastrophe of my personality
to seem beautiful again,
and interesting, and modern’
last night after writing this blog, i picked up my nightly devotion, ‘my utmost for his highest’ by oswald chambers. this is part of what i read –
‘the sermon on the mount indicates that when we are on Jesus Christ’s errands, there is no time to stand up for ourselves. Jesus says, in effect, do not be bothered with whether you are being justly dealt with or not. to look for justice is a sign of deflection from devotion to Him. never look for justice in this world, but never cease to give it. if we look for justice, we will begin to grouse and to indulge in the discontent of self-pity —why should i be treated like this? if we are devoted to Jesus Christ we have nothing to do with what we meet, whether it is just or unjust. Jesus says, go steadily on with what I have told you to do and I will guard your life. if you try to guard it yourself, you remove yourself from My deliverance. the most devout among us become atheistic in this connection; we do not believe God, we enthrone common sense and tack the name of God on to it. we do lean to our own understanding, instead of trusting God with all our hearts.’
i spent a long time rereading and thinking about these powerful words of wisdom. i find it quite painful to be humbled. and yet, there remained a strand of hope and peace within me. God is good.
