i’ve hit the wall. while i truly believe this is the perfect team for me, recently i have not been liking this community living thing – drama, passive-aggressive behavior, insensitivity, selfishness, anger, thoughtlessness, little unity, complaining, loudness, envy, miscommunication, disrespect for others, poor listening, and lack of common courtesy. along with some of the above, add to the mix my other emotions and behavior: hurt feelings, extreme fatigue, stress, no alone time, little exercise, impatience, self-involvement, frustration, loss of trust, easily insulted. in addition: it is beyond hot here, sweat is our second skin; we are running around all the time; timeliness means nothing; working with different religious philosophies that confound you; speaking english yet crazy communication difficulties; stolen money. i wonder when the moment will come when we finally implode. we constantly retreat to our computers whenever there is a free moment. i miss my family and friends. i miss my job and my patients. i miss winter. i miss my cat. i long for a warm shower. all this has led me to pull away, to become indifferent. i want to run. at one point today the thought came to me that it was time to get on a plane and go home; brilliant, that would surely solve this. what was i thinking that i could live with strangers 24/7 for a year? why is it so ridiculously hard? how can one be so lonely among others? why is it so hard to love, to extend grace? what am i missing? all i want is peace. and some quiet. honesty would be refreshing. sleep would be a beautiful thing. togetherness wouldn’t be too bad. unconditional love would be terrific. thinking of others over oneself, priceless.
i keep hearing the voice of laura in my head – ‘be the change’.
i keep hearing the voice of Jesus – ‘run to me first. depend only on me’.
i keep hearing the encouragement of brandon – ‘grace my sister’.
i keep hearing the voice of gina – ‘God is my real reward’.
i keep hearing the voices of my family – ‘we love you’.
i keep thinking of the billions of things God is teaching me every day.
i keep thinking of my daily prayer for ‘God to increase in me while i decrease’.
i keep thinking that God asked me to follow him on the world race and i said
‘here am i, send me’.
i keep thinking of all those we have met and loved, and ministered to, and all those to come.
i keep thinking about the cross-shaped protein, laminin, and how it holds all things together in our bodies.
i think that i do not want to miss a minute of this.
i think i will choose to love my teammates every moment, and to choose grace.
i think i will hang on tightly and stay.
no matter the cost.
‘somedays we forget to look around us
somedays we can’t see the joy that surrounds us
so caught up inside ourselves
we take when we should give
so tonight we pray for
what we know can be
and on this day we hope for
what we still can’t see
it’s up to us to be the change
and even though we all can still do more
there’s so much to be thankful for
look beyond ourselves, there is so much sorrow
it’s way too late to say, ‘i’ll cry tomorrow’
each of us must find our truth
we’re so long overdue
so tonight we pray for
what we know can be
and every day we hope for
what we still can’t see
even with our differences
there is a place we’re all connected
each of us can find each other’s love
so tonight we pray for
what we know can be
and on this day we hope for
what we still can’t see’
