I can’t believe another month on the Race has come to an end. Let me start by saying that I had high hopes for my blogging this month… I had planned to share stories and pictures weekly. Well, month 2 has flown by and this is the first time I’m sharing about Nepal. Frankly, I’ve had a hard time coming up with the words to share my experiences this month. It’s been a rough month, I’ve struggled a lot, but I wouldn’t change a thing.
Last month I was on a peak of exciting ministry and fun new experiences abroad. It was a beautiful transition into life as a missionary and looking back now it felt like a nice spiritual retreat. India was a great time of soaking up God’s presence and learning to be grateful in all circumstances. At the end of the month, I felt so filled up and was ready to dive deeper into my relationship with God.
When we left India and started over again in Nepal everything shifted. The full weight and length of the Race really hit me. I thought I had left home well. I thought I had fully grieved leaving behind my old life, and that I knew what a year of constant moving would be like. It turns out I hadn’t truly understood any of those things. How do you fully prepare yourself for something you’ve never experienced before? It wasn’t until I moved from month 1 to month 2 that I fully realized that every month will be completely different. Every month, as soon as I get comfortable, the time will come to pack back up and leave again. It will be time to say another round of goodbyes and step out into the unknown again.
This month my unknown wasn’t just a country and ministry change, but also a personal move from a peak to a valley. I felt wildly out of my comfort zone in evangelism ministry. My heart was broken daily as we walked the poverty stricken streets filled with empty idols and intense spiritual warfare. This was all a brand new environment for me, and I was beyond overwhelmed. The spiritual warfare around me took a toll on my relationship with God. I felt so unqualified and questioned why he brought me to this place of brokenness.
What could I possibly do here that would make any difference?
Father, if You are so good why is there so much suffering?
I continued to walk through the valley, I cried daily, and I continued to question all month long. I pushed through each day in ministry, even though many days I didn’t want to because I didn’t feel qualified to help. In my questioning I also continued to pray. I prayed for dependence because I had nothing else to turn to. I prayed that God would pull me through and I would feel His love and goodness again. As I began to depend, my Heavenly Father started to answer my questions and walk me through the darkness.
We live in a broken world, a world that is not what our Father intended for his children. I realized that it’s okay if I don’t think my efforts are making a difference as long as I never give up. There is light in the world, there is beauty, and every tiny effort made can bring glory to God’s kingdom. The Lord has a perfectly crafted plan for restoration and healing. Even when it doesn’t make sense to me, I am choosing to trust Him.
“All of this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore we do not loose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving us for an eternal glory that far out ways them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”- 2 Corinthians 4:15-18
We often think that valleys are a bad thing. The valleys of life are associated with struggle, therefore, our desire is to move out of them as quickly as possible. The only trouble in that is that God often brings us to valleys for a reason. In the low points we have an opportunity to grow, to see God, and depend on Him in new ways.
Walking through a valley of uncertainty wasn’t easy but I wouldn’t have changed it. It has strengthened me and prepared me to face difficult ministry and other challenges in the months ahead. I now get to rise up and enjoy another peak knowing that my Heavenly Father will always be guiding my steps along the way.
On our final weekend in Nepal, my team and I took an overnight trip to Nagarkot. At our hostel I had this incredible view of the Himalayas. I had been missing nature and the Colorado mountains, but when I saw this I felt so much joy and peace. God’s creation is amazing!
