A strange feeling recently came over me. This overwhelming urge, or need, or maybe nostalgic fascination, to return to my oh-so repressed blog. Repressed to the point that I was shocked (and also, not so shocked) that I haven’t made an entry in nearly two years. But for some reason unbeknownst to me, it was time to revisit and write.
But why? I was never much of a blogger to begin with. I had the occasional update at least once a month while on The World Race (that is, until July 27th, 2012 when I stopped) but I was never the avid writer that I pictured myself being. And now here I am, logging into a blog account I’m surprised I remembered the password for. But something is telling me, it’s time, so here I am. And here I write.
It’s been about a year and a half since The World Race. I can’t believe that. You think something that changes your life so profoundly never really ends but it did, and it keeps getting further and further away. I had plans coming home, big ones that I thought were the right plans. [They never are, though.] I was planning on starting graduate school at NYU a month and half after getting home. Lofty ambitions. That unfortunately didn’t work out and I was left with an unexpected gap in my life (Sidenote: I’m actually very thankful it didn’t work out. I don’t think it would have been the right thing and I honestly don’t think I could have handled it that fresh from the trip. I was also able to be a lot closer to my someone special, a fellow World Racer in fact.). A strange gap that I didn’t know what to do with. I’ve never had gaps. Graduated high school went straight to college. Internship, job, internship, job, internship. Graduated college, got a job in August. Left my job, two months later was on The World Race. There was always something next. This time, I didn’t have a something next. I couldn’t go to NYU so now what? I find a job and start my career? Ok well, easier said than done.
I was on the job hunt the beginning of 2013. After a couple of months I was very discouraged and needed some money so I looked for temporary, non-career path-y, type jobs. And a few weeks later I became the nanny to two little babies living at home again. Two things quite honestly I never thought I would be doing. But I was able to save some money and be a part of some really important things that happened in 2013, like seeing my oldest childhood friend get married, reuniting with two of my best friends for a mini college reunion, and getting closer to the wonderful man in my life. Then, a few more months went by and I was still nannying. Then a few more. And my temporary situation became my something next. And I have to say, I wasn’t too happy about it. I’m not saying this either to disparage nannying or the little rascals I look after, I love them dearly and I have a new appreciation for all the mothers out there. But it wasn’t in my plans. My plan was to get a job, something that would put me on the right career path for the future, to live on my own again, be the version of a 26 year old that I and everyone expects. And I’ve been trying and and it’s getting even more frustrating by the day just waiting and waiting for something to come my way. And I look up and say, “I trust You but…”
So what it really comes down to is that “but”. I have to get rid of it. I have to get rid of it because it’s not being trusting. Trust doesn’t have exceptions. You either do or you don’t. So my plans didn’t work out how I thought they would. So my life isn’t looking like everyone (including myself) thinks it should. I think that’s OK. Because that cliché about plans really is true…”Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans”. It really is.This wasn’t the turn I thought my life would take at this point in time, this wasn’t the plan. So what? I’ve seen people in horrible situations; digging through garbage to find food, sleeping on dirt floors with absolutely nothing, kids walking through filthy slums with no shoes. I may be a little frustrated with life but I want for nothing and that’s not something to be trifled with. We all get frustrated with our situations, we all have that something happen to us we weren’t expecting or wanting. But that’s when God is looking for your trust so he can give you the thing you really need the most. I think that may be what I’m waiting for.
Consider the “but” officially gone. I’m not going to continue waiting for the next part of my life to start. It’s already started. I’m going to live it and start trusting the plans God has for me (because let’s face it, I don’t know what I’m doing).
