Well, as you may or may not know, I am pretty much half way through my race. A lot of change has happened these past 5 months and there is still more change to come. There were some things happening that I have not yet shared, but I believe it is time that they come out.
I started this journey still holding on tightly to a relationship. This was my relationship with Ryan. Previous to the race we had been dating for 2 years. When the race first came up, he was the first one I talked about it to. I remember the exact day. Some time past as I was figuring out if it was God’s will for me to go.
After praying about it, I came to 2 conclusions. I was to go on the race, and I knew that God was asking me to give up my relationship with Ryan all the way. At that time, I still clinging to the hope that perhaps God wasn’t really going to take the relationship completely. So I hung on.
The months leading up to the race our relationship was normal. We never really talked about me being gone. I thought I would leave and everything would work out. In the final days Ryan and I had some words for each other. I guess you could say they were goodbyes, but we never discussed what our relationship would look like as I was gone.
Launch came and Ryan flew down to Georgia to see my for only 10 minutes and say good bye. I don’t even remember what all we said during that time, it was all so surreal. As I watched him walk away little did I know what God had planned for him and I.
I wish you could get Ryan’s half of the story, that would paint a better picture. I guess you will have to ask him. The first month went by and I remember I e-mailed him once and he e-mailed me once. I was so mixed up in my thoughts because we never really defined our relationship before I left. “Should I e-mail, should I not?!” These were all questions I had no answer to.
At the end of month 1 we came to debrief. I remember finally asking God what he wanted for our relationship. He answered my prayer the very next day. I got an e-mail from Ryan saying that he felt we should break up. I am so thankful for that e-mail. I am thankful for Ryan’s honesty, I am thankful for the answer to prayer, and even though it hurt I am thankful for God asking me to let go.
We decided that we wouldn’t e-mail each other for the rest of the race. It literally meant that we were not together any more. I knew from the very start that God was going to ask for this entire relationship, but back then I wasn’t ready to let go. It is very hard to let go of something that is so close to your heart. I wasn’t able to let go just like that. It has taken me several months to truly let go.
Month 2 in Swaziland something awesome happened! I can’t believe I didn’t share this until now. Our whole squad was together, 40 of us, and we were all joined together for a night of worship. I was singing and worshiping when all of a sudden I heard this voice say, “Take it off.”
I looked down at my left had and saw the promise ring Ryan had given me on Valentine’s day before I left. (I still wore it.) I knew God was asking me to take off the ring. I looked at the ring for a few seconds, remembering the night Ryan gave it to me. It was as precious to me then as it was now. I inched the ring closer to the tip of my finger, but not off completely. I twirled it around my finger noticing that it had a little bit of paint on it from a work project earlier in the day.
Then I began praying. I did not want to take off that ring. I knew what it meant. I asked God, “Why do you want me to take it off?” What he spoke to me next just about blew my socks off.
You are mine.
He is jealous for me. Taking off the ring had nothing to do with Ryan, but it had everything to do with God’s jealous love for me. I had never experienced God’s love like that before. I started to cry. It had never been about taking Ryan away, but it had been about God revealing His love for me.
I looked down at my finger and as I slipped off the ring I asked that God would keep it safe. I wasn’t going to put it back on for the remainder of the trip and I didn’t want it to get lost. I also prayed that Ryan wouldn’t be hurt or upset that I took off the ring. God reassured me that it wasn’t between Ryan and I, it was between Him and I.
I took off the ring and I have not wore it since. It is safe in my pack next to my passport.
God loves me so much, He is jealous for me, all of me.
I don’t know what the future holds, none of us do, but I do know that God has the best plans for me. I can’t wait to see what that looks like.
