So here goes- I can put this off no longer. As many of you have probably noticed, it has been about 4 months since I announced my acceptance to the World Race and I have yet to post a blog or really any documentation at all on how the process is going for me. While I have sat down and tried to put my thoughts into writing countless times, nothing has come easily. I have no eloquently written words or entertaining story, and potentially nothing inspiring to say at all. So I’ve resolved to just sharing with you all the raw, honest, and possibly a little bit ugly truth. No fluff, and no poetry. Interesting concept huh?
But have no fear, I’ve received some much-needed inspiration from none other than Benjamin Watson and his recent Facebook status genius. Maybe mine will go viral too… but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Here are my thoughts:
I’m scared… I mean 11 countries in 11 months- that’s some terrifying stuff right there. Coming from a girl who left America for the first time in her life three months ago, the world presents an endless amount of unknowns. And not just that, what if something happens back home and I’m halfway across the world? What if I don’t get along with my teammates? What if my safety is jeopardized? And on to the less rational but still very real fears- what if my cat dies while I’m gone? What if a King Cobra slips into my sleeping bag while I’m asleep (I’ve literally thought about this countless times), or what if I forget to take my Malaria medicine AND DIE (that may be a little dramatic… sorry mom and dad).
Then,
I’m comforted… while I literally dream up these terrible fears daily, some of which are a little ridiculous and others that are very real, they are all put to rest in the simple truth that the Lord is my shepherd. There is no force that can harm a hair on my head without his consent, there’s nowhere I can go where He will not be with me, and there’s no need I could have that He cannot meet. When I signed up for this race, I knew that huge sacrifices had to be made now and throughout my time on the race. Some days I may not like a teammate that much, another day I may have a run in with a spider that’s bigger than I’d prefer… the list goes on. My point in all of this is that no matter what happens as I prepare for the race, during it, and for the rest of my life, the Lord is sovereign over all things- every last detail. And He is so, so good. So for all of that, I am comforted.
I’m overwhelmed… for those of you who haven’t heard, we as World Racers are required to raise $16,000 to fund our trip. This does not include our equipment (backpack, tent, sleeping bag, sleeping pad, etc.) or spending money while on the trip. While this is actually quite the deal for what it includes, the fact remains the same: I am a broke college student who has probably never cumulatively had $16,000 in her entire life. And guys this fundraising thing is hard. Asking people to give you their money is in no way fun or comfortable, and it takes a shocking amount of time. There are days when the weight of funding this trip gets unbearable. I kid you not, just yesterday I was on the verge of a breakdown because I was so overwhelmed with how much fundraising I have left and the emotional toll it takes on me- it gets to be a very heavy weight to carry. This is in no way going to be an easy ride… there is so, so much to be done.
However,
I’m peaceful… there are few things that I know for certain, but one thing that I do know without a shadow of doubt is that I am right where the Lord wants me. I believe fully that He has called me to this glorious adventure and where He calls, He provides. While $16,000+ often seems daunting and impossible, I have an unexplainable peace and confidence. Don’t get me wrong, there are days were peace is hard to find and my flesh takes over, but the Lord never fails to be gracious to me in my unfaithfulness.
I’m sad… 11 months is a long time in my finite brain. So, so much can and will happen in that amount of time both on the Race and back home: my sweet niece will turn 3, and my handsome nephew will learn to walk, my class will finish their senior year and graduate, friends will get married, and annual vacations will be taken- all without me. This is a hard pill for me to swallow. The race poses a lot of challenges, but this will definitely be among the toughest for me- missing out on 11 months of life with the friends and family that I love oh so much.
Then,
I’m joyful… 11 months away from the people I love is going to be hard, but those 11 months are going to be packed full with a lifetime’s worth of adventures and experiences. Will there be days when the homesickness seems unbearable? I’m sure. But I find so much joy in thinking about all of the incredible things that those months will hold. While I’ll be thousands of miles away from family, I know that it won’t take long for my Squad to become my family and guys- they’re already really, really awesome. Aside from that, I can’t wait to see how the Lord uses those months away to work on my heart- to chip away at the ugliness of my flesh and fill it with His goodness. I don’t quite know exactly what the big man upstairs has in store for me, but I know it’s going to be spectacular.
I’m worried… so I promised you guys real and raw at the beginning of this, and here’s where I’ll have to follow through with that. This is hands-down the hardest thing for me to just think about, let alone talk (type) about, so bear with me. As many of you may know, I’m currently dating none other than the man of my dreams (hey babe!) whom I’m madly in love with. He has hands down been my biggest supporter throughout all of this process even though he probably has the most right to be flat out bummed about it. But as mentioned earlier… 11 month’s is a long time. I can’t even pretend to know what those months will hold for either of us. It’s going to be really, really tough-we’ve both acknowledged this. I mean this is a long-distance relationship taken to a whole other level. I won’t see him face-to-face for 11 months, communication in general will be limited, he’ll be having experiences of his own, and I’ll be having experiences of my own. All of this to say I’m worried… we both are. We don’t know how this all works, we don’t know how you don’t see each other for 11 months and then just pick up where you left off, there is just so, so much unknown.
But,
I’m hopeful… to be honest with you guys; the first two months after I was accepted to the race were really hard for me. I knew I was supposed to go and I was going to go, but I was dreading it, and I was dreading it because I was absolutely terrified of what it could do to Jake and I’s relationship. But then I realized something- this fear simply wouldn’t exist if I had fully placed this relationship into the Lord’s hands. All of this time, I’d been trying to “protect” this oh so valuable relationship by keeping it for myself. I gripped onto it hard, I thought that it was better off in my own hands. How foolish. I now realize that there’s no more secure place to put this treasure than into the hands of the Lord. There is no one more qualified, more loving, or more worthy. We are His, and He is good. So for that, I’m hopeful.
Lastly,
I’m inadequate… of all of the people in the world that God could choose to send on this adventure, I can’t seem to wrap my mind around why He chose me. I often feel so unqualified- I don’t have enough experience, I’m not knowledgeable enough, and I’m just not “good” enough. When I ask people to support me, I often question myself, “Why should these people give me their money? Why am I qualified?”
Then,
I’m deemed worthy… the center of my feeling of inadequacy comes because I’ve made it all about me. This journey isn’t about me- if it was, then all of the things above would be true- I’m not qualified, I’m not experienced, I’m not knowledgeable. The good news is I’m just the vessel. I’m deemed worthy because the Lord lives in me and He is qualified, He is experienced, He is knowledgeable, and He is more than adequate.
