I’M GOING TO CAMBODIA!!!! Many of you may or may not know but during training camp my squad was informed that our route is changed! So instead of going to Thailand for the first 3 months we will be going to Cambodia the first month and then Thailand the next 2 before heading to Malawi in January! I am so excited for this new twist in my adventure and I know God will shine His light so brightly into the dark corners of this broken country!! Now for what you’ve all been waiting for……
If I’m being honest, the reason I haven’t posted a blog about Training Camp yet is because I might still be processing it. Training Camp was HARD. Like really hard. I went into it expecting to feel an overwhelming amount of joy and love and that His presence would be so apparently obvious in my heart. But our God is so big. There is no way to predict the ways He will work in us and there is definitely no way to fit Him into the little boxes we so forcefully try to shove Him in. I had to learn that the hard way. The first 5 days of Training Camp may have been the most desperate 5 days of my life. I so badly wanted God to affirm that this is where I’m supposed to be and to give me a “feeling” of the joy and love I was so used to associating His presence with. But sometimes God calls us to see a new side of Him; He calls us to dig deep and seek Him with every cell in our bodies, and through this He reminds us that He is with us always – no matter how we “feel.”
That is a lot of heavy info with not a lot of detail so I’ll try and dissect it a little for you all. Here goes. My first 5 days of camp I refer to as “the desperation.” I showed up and wanted to be the bundle of joy and light I typically feel but instead I felt overshadowed and small. I asked God why this was happening and tried to give up all my burdens, thinking maybe those things were weighing me down, but I found myself still in this seemingly lonely and unfamiliar place. I couldn’t figure out why He was leaving me in silence when I was seeking Him with everything I had and thinking over every possible barrier that could be blocking me from Him. I realized that God was no longer letting me lean on mere feelings of His presence. Instead, He called me deeper. Forcing me to rely on truths I know in my heart of His goodness, and trusting fully that He is close to me always no matter if my heart is overflowing with joy or void of every emotion. He forced me to put my full weight into Him and Him only. Not my mom or my friends or my feelings, but simply knowing that I’m wrapped up in His arms even when I don’t feel his warm embrace.
Throughout this time of desperation I may not have felt God, but I saw Him in ways I never had before. You see, Training Camp was full of discomfort. Discomfort in every. possible. form. That’s not an exaggeration. It was a slap in the face sort of understanding that South Dakota weather ROCKS. We get to do things like wear jeans comfortably and spend more than 30 seconds outside without feeling like we stepped into a sauna. That being said, I could not hang with the Georgia humidity. Sweating 24 hours a day was a rough adjustment. So was taking a shower out of a bucket and then feeling clean for maybe 5 minutes before I was drenched in sweat again, as well as having no choice in what I ate or where/how I slept. All this discomfort, though a culture shock, caused me to see God in so many ways. A beautiful little flower when I felt the ugliest I’ve felt in my whole life? That was God. A meal that contained a fresh fruit or vegetable? That was God. A slight breeze for even only and instant? That was definitely God. My eyes were opened to all the little gifts I so often take for granted. I could no longer rely on feelings to supply my joy, I had to seek it out find joy in truths that I knew. God let me experience joy in a whole new way. And He let me experience Him in a whole new way.
Once I finally started to turn the corner of this desperation God opened up to me a little. I realized that He let me wrestle in the dark so that way the light would be even more beaming. I got to get to know a new side of God. A side that let me become a little more submerged in His presence, as long as I was willing to jump. The Holy Spirit is such a gift to us. It is our direct line to God and if we are able to discern the voice of the Holy Spirit then we can start to know the Father’s heart in a more intimate way. I learned that sometimes we have to kindle the fire of the Holy Spirit and blow on its embers for it to ignite us. It isn’t always going to do its own. The fire of the Holy Spirit gives us things like the courage to jump. It gives us the ability to look past our discomforts so we can grow despite of them. And it gives us eyes that see everyone through a lens of love, but in order to see others with love we have to first see ourselves that way because you can’t give something you don’t have. I’ll say it again; YOU CAN’T GIVE SOMETHING YOU DON’T HAVE.
Let that sink in.
I had to.
It was one of the key factors that broke me through my desolation. God gives us each such amazing gifts, and we each have the opportunity to have such a unique and special relationship with Him that no one else can fully understand. It’s beautiful; but instead of cherishing it I found myself comparing. Comparison steals joy and blinds us to all the knowledge and gifts we can learn from one another and from God. My eyes were opened to the fact that when I should have been taking advantage of this appraised time with the Father, I was too busy trying to make my relationship with God “the best.” What..??? Yeah, exactly. Like I said before, God is so big. Way bigger than comparison and once I figured that out I was free. Free to love my Father in whatever way I wanted without the pressure of feeling unworthy or loved less. I was then able to love in a plethora of ways. I could see others the way God sees them because I could see myself as the secure, thankful, transformed, strong-willed, joyful, compassionate, free-spirited, forgiving, patient (still working on that one), generous, intentional and courageous woman that He sees every time He looks at me.
I could write paragraphs and paragraphs trying to explain the ways Training Camp transformed my heart, and it still wouldn’t relay the impact. I guess I left Training Camp singing a thankful tune. Thankful for a God who lets us sit in silence sometimes so we can learn a little bit about ourselves and even more about His goodness. Thankful for the little encouragements God gives us along the way when we have nothing but hope left to hold onto. Thankful for a God who is always running towards us even if we feel like we might be blindfolded. And most of all, thankful for a God that is BIG. So big that we can spend our whole lives loving Him and learning about Him and He will continually offer us more and more of His infinite love and wisdom and grace. His perfect love is so much greater than any obstacle we face and that is one thing that will never change.
Thanks for reading about a little bit of the chaos in my mind! My love and prayers go out to you!
Olivia
P.S. I launch in a little over a month (AHHHH), time sure flies by. Aaaaaaand, I still have about $5,000 left to raise before I am fully funded… I am selling t-shirts if you would like to purchase one, they are $25 each or 2 for $40 and are really cool! You can contact me if you are interested! (My contact info is under the contact tab on the left). Otherwise, I ask you to prayerfully consider making a donation (or another donation) so I can be closer to my goal. I am so thankful for all the support I have thus far and it would be awesome if I could be fully funded before I leave the country. I know if God calls, He provides, so I’m asking you all to consider taking a leap of faith with me. Thanks again and God bless.
Here is the shirt design:
