My Prideful Unmentionables
Oh Kampong Speu, you were uncomfortable.
If you have read my previous blogs, you will remember my biggest hope is that on this trip I will do the uncomfortable.
I just did not realize it would be at the very first ministry my team and I was assigned to.
After a week in the lovely guesthouse in Siem Reap, I thought I was ready for anything. I expected the worst but did not really think we would get the worst.
And we didn’t!
Sort of.
The moment we got there I saw the challenge in our living situation and wondered how well I would do. The set up was a little more than a large shack with a wobbly “upstairs”. Our host family lived on the first floor, their room separated with blankets draped across a corner.
We stayed in the room upstairs.
The roof was tin and covered with tiny holes that unfortunately allowed the rainwater to leak through when it stormed (might I mention Cambodia was in the rainy season?). The floor was made out of planks of wood that would shake the whole floor if someone walked across it, and at the end of the room was a door that led to an elevated porch that we sat on every day.
I expected myself to have a negative reaction, a craving for a more modern setup. But for some reason, I loved it. I slept in my hammock for the first ten nights of being there, and when the rains got out of control, I switched to my tent the rest of the stay.
Something inside me soaked up the simplicity of the accommodations and I was able to see through the eyes of the Cambodians and their day-to-day life even more clearly than I would have thought. I began to find comfort in the crashing rain against the tin roof, the dirt floors of the classroom where we taught English every day, and the quiet chirps of birds in the waking hours of the morning. God allowed me to rest in him, not the ‘bad’ situation I thought I was in.
Because I was in a situation HE placed me in. One I got to experience, and I saw crystalized beauty through the ashes of poverty.
But it was not always this way. Here is where my pride tells me I should stop writing and make it seem like I have it all together. Pride tells me to leave this vulnerability out of my blog because unfortunately some days I would choose to not appreciate, I would choose the fleshly taunts of selfishness and my biggest regret I took away from that ministry is that I did not do enough. I poured more time into myself than into the people who allowed me to reside at their home and feed us meals daily. I taught two classes a day, and when I was not teaching I would spend time with my team or myself.
Do not get me wrong, it is a blessed gift to spend time alone or get to know the people you do life with every day, but when it becomes a selfish habit and you no longer recognize the needs of your ministry, something is wrong.
Unfortunately, I realized too late, and before I knew it, I was leaving. I felt like I failed, I felt the second I left as if I made no impact, and I was crushed. I went to the Lord and told Him my troubles and realized that living in the uncomfortable is not the same as doing the uncomfortable.
You can live with a life going on around you but not actually live, it is up to you.
I am not perfect, but I noticed my selfish mistake and I intend to do everything I can to not make it again. I know I will stumble on the roots of sin, but Christ will catch my fall and I will not break. Just as child experiences growing pains, so shall I experience spiritual growing pains as I deepen in the Lord.
Please continue to support my journey prayerfully or financially!! I still need $3,283 by January to be fully funded and to be able to stay on the field and finish this race. I know God can do it!! Thank you for reading this. (:
