Less than one minute ago I was staring at a blank Word document. Thoughts raced around my head as I tried to catch within my palm just what was going on in my mind so I could figure out just why I had opened my computer in the first place.
“What am I even doing? What if no one reads this? Who would read my blog and care about my struggles and doubt? What if I am the only one feeling this way?”
I should not have believed those lies, but somehow I did. And for some reason, my spiritual attacks always come after I have a wonderful day.
You see, today was a great day. A really great day. The kind of day I will miss overseas, the comfort surrounding me without a doubt of me doing something I would dislike. In the middle of old friends, where I am most at home while I am away from home. Dancing in my car to Michael Jackson while I wave like a maniac to strangers driving past me who glare at me. (Clearly, they are jealous).
It was not until I got back to my house and lay in my beloved bed ready to sleep that I let my mind wander to fear. It was in the midst of my wandering that the devil saw my strength sap and took that weakened opportunity to attack.
Vulnerability is a beautiful thing, but never let yourself be vulnerable to the devil. You have CHRIST inside of you, your strength will not die out because your strength comes from Christ. Do not ever let your human nature think that your strength is limited. Christ is not limited.
I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling. Hundreds of thoughts flashed across my mind at once as I tried to focus on one worry or another trying to look for some way to comfort myself as my body began to shake with cold chills from the anxiety and nerves.
“What if I get severely sick overseas and cannot come home? What if something bad happens to me? What if I do not affect anyone’s life for the Gospel? Will I have failed?”
‘What if’ has become an obsession of mine. An idol. It’s hard to believe two words can have such an effect on one’s perspective or heart that they can cause such a spiritual and emotional drain. But that is what they have done to me. I have cast my cares on the two words that crack like dried twigs, dry, dead, and no hope for life again. The words that deceive beyond my comprehension.
Words hurt. But not just the words that someone else says to you, but the words that you say to you.
Because I was not fully using the strength God gave me to completely trust in Him, my human nature ripped the self-esteem of confidence I had attempted to build up by myself with flawed bits of human flesh and dirty ashes. I should have been building my spiritual confidence with the sturdy arms of the Lord to catch me if I fell into doubt and fear. His gentle hands, to cradle me when my human confidence flies into a million pieces on the ground. His soft voice, that tells me not to lean on my own understanding, but rest in Him, for He quiets every fear, wipes every tear, and tenderly reminds me He loves me. In Christ’s confidence, I can cast off my misleading human confidence and re-clothe myself in His merciful robes of comfort. I can sip from His precious flow of Grace He so ever keeps running even when I deserve to be parched. I am complete.
I still struggle. This battle with the demons is not done. But I can slowly pick myself up from walking the thorns of “what if” so that Christ can steadily lift me up as I lean against Him ascending the staircase to His glory, towards ‘you are free, my beloved child‘, and away from the gripping terror of fleshly haunts and binding chains of lies that try in vain to pursue me.
I will still struggle, but He always holds me in His arms, I am His daughter. Christ did not call us to perfection, he called us to be His perfection, as flawed as we are, however we might try to view ourselves, whatever we might fear. Because He cares for us, He loves us. Our cares become His to dissolve, and He becomes our care.
I am no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God!!!!!!!
“Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” ~ {Psalm 55:22}
