I have described to a friend that being distant from God feels like dying. David wrote such words as “My bones grew old through my groaning all the day long ”Ps. 32 and that’s exactly how I would describe it, an ach that wont go away. I imagine a small child frustrated and tired, tilting her head back with closed, eyes frowning from not getting her way, too exhausted to scream or stomp her little foot.
And that’s what it’s like. Other than brief insights here and there I have felt such a distance between my God and myself. In Cambodia I realized I had become too self-focused to connect with or listen to God and all that He was constantly doing in my life and all around me. Now I’m not angry at circumstances or Gods silence I just know I am experiencing the bare minimum, which after knowing the Lord and basking in His presence, could never be enough.
I’ve heard of God doing and showing people amazing things, things I can barely dream up and the main reason I came on this trip was to experience said “things” God, His glory, His power etc. Thereis more to this walk than prayer and reading a really old book, not that those things don’t bring awesome experiences in themselves but there must so, so much more. So here, month 10 I am wondering why I haven’t experienced God in all His fullness and power. I have seen people healed and seen God provide abundantly overnight but I still want more.
I think to myself God I’ve traveled the world to be closer to you, where is your overwhelming presence? God I’m so tired from ministry and serving you, why aren’t you running to meet me? Lord I want you so much, to know you deeper and hear your voice why aren’t you speaking louder? Clearer? More? I’m asking, why aren’t you pouring everything into my hands? I’m seeking, why aren’t you easy to find?
In thinking this I noticed how lazy I am when it comes to pursuing God. If a man proclaimed his love for me and then pursued me the way I have been pursuing God I wouldn’t even give him the time of day. I would probably call him fake or a liar.
Doing ministry doesn’t instantly make you spiritual. Wanting something with all your heart doesn’t put it in your hands.
When I first came to Christ I didn’t know how to pray but I wanted a connection with Jesus so badly I got on my knees and decided I was going to read all the psalms as prayers God. At the time I didn’t know there were 150 psalms. It took hours. My knees hurt, the sun was coming up, I was so tired but I knew…I didn’t actually know, I had hope that it was worth it, that something might happen. Now? Now for some reason I expect God to just come at my call. It’s quite funny now that I’m thinking about it.
I thank God for His love for me. That the longing I feel isn’t just accommodated because I want it to be, but that God takes my walk and faith very seriously, perhaps more than I do. That I would never see those wonderful things I have heard about with a faith as lazy as mine. That He allows that distance and even that sorrow that comes from missing Him so that I might actually get off my butt and make something happen. That when I asked Him to change me and grow me into the person He and I both want me to be He said “ok, I’ll do it.” And He’s been faithful every minute.
Once again I have to praise God. It’s not easy to see, especially in the moment but it’s true that we can rejoice even in trials because He is always working, He is always answering prayers, He always loving on us!
