So I’m back in the ATX. I got home from Georgia the day before my birthday and then jumped straight into Christmas stuff. Now that it’s over, I’ve had some time this week to actually take a step back, process, and re-evaluate. What now?! Where do I go from here?! As I’ve tried to start gaining a new sense of direction, the only thing I’ve been able to do is sit back and laugh as I wonder… What the heck was I thinking?!
The other day I was talking to Linda, one of my best friends, about everything that was going on. As I told her what God was showing me through Abraham and Isaac, about having the faith to walk away from your dreams and trusting that God would give them back if it was supposed to happen, she was quick to point out that I was missing something… from her point of view these past 2 ½ years have been nothing but me leaving my dreams at the altar as I continued leaving my kids behind to follow what I thought was where God was leading me. To her,
I had sacrificed my heart.
At the age of sixteen God introduced me to the Children’s Home and by seventeen I was convinced I’d be a houseparent someday. After an intense study of child abuse during my senior child welfare class in college there was absolutely no turning back… Six weeks later I graduated and headed to Arkansas where I started a five year adventure known as motherhood. It was so hard for me to let them go as I prepared for the World Race, and even harder to not go back when I didn’t go the first time, but I knew it was what I was being called to do.
The Race was ridiculous! Moving from country to country, children from every nation completely stole my heart day in and day out. When re-entry started a few months back I knew that I had two options to pursue my long term dream of children’s home and orphanage development… I could either go back down the social work route or learn the missions side of things. For some reason I was convinced that staying with AIM to learn the ins and outs of administration was the way to go, but it was such a struggle even from day one. A few weeks later when God lead me to 1 Timothy 4:14- ‘Don’t neglect the gift given to you through prophecy’, I knew that I had gotten off track.
With the increase of free time I’ve gained with being back home, I’ve taken some time to process everything thats happened. While reading through my blog and reorganizing it, I was reminded of several verses and things that were prophesied over me during my Race:
God is going to make you a mom to the Nations
You are the Mother Teresa of Texas
You will have powerful orphanages, where the kids will rise up and change the nations
You are relentless as a mother cow, fiercely protective as a mother lioness
Vision of a sword is thrust into the desert ground, cracking the entire land. Part of my role in the Kingdom is like Jesus in Acts 10:38… Fighting for the oppressed
Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks… You will be His ‘Rock’ and cry out on behalf of the Kingdom (Luke 19:40)
Your voice is a weapon… your heart is the ammunition… and your faith is what pulls the trigger
What in the world have I been doing these last few weeks in Georgia that even slightly resembled any of these?! How was being stuck at a desk allowing me to be the heart or voice for the Kingdom in the way I knew I was called to?! During the beginning of the race, God showed me through in Jeremiah 1:5 and Psalm 139:13 God knew us and formed us in the womb it was there that He gave me His Heartbeat, so why have I been trying to function as the brain?! I mean seriously, I got so caught up in trying to learn everything that I completely lost sight of who I was and what I was created to be. Plus, I became so consumed with a certain location that I completely forgot that God called me to the Nations, not just one particular area. And as a result I was dying inside.
As I head off into this next journey of my life, wherever it may be, I’m so ridiculously excited. Ever since sending off my application to join this crazy adventure three years ago, God’s been faithful each step of the way to keep His promise from Hosea 2, where He took me into the ‘Wilderness’ to draw me back to Him, to reveal my true identity, to set me free from the things keeping me silent, and to restore my heart for His Kingdom. Now, after 2 1/2 years since taking me out of the ministry that I held so close to my heart, He seems to be leading me down a road that goes directly back into it! Last year at training camp, besides starting to work on my faith and the Mother’s heart He gave me, God told me that if I knew what I wanted, then I needed to GO AND GET IT. As this season with The World Race and AIM comes to a close, it’s as if I can hear Him speaking those same exact words.
